Clues
by reallybodmin
Summary: S6E8 SPOILERS! Our Doc looks back at his relationship with Louisa through the lens of Aunt Ruth's wisdom.
1. Chapter 1

**Doc Martin is owned by Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

S6E8 SPOILERS! What if the Doc looked back over his whole relationship with Louisa through the lens of Aunt Ruth's wisdom?

CLUES

Martin walked out of Truro Hospital with a worn but determined look on his face. He had phoned Aunt Ruth earlier and knew that she was at the surgery with James Henry. The baby had eaten, but without his parents and his normal routine, was having trouble falling asleep. Martin knew that he was likely in for a long night. And it had already been a long day.

He arrived home and found Aunt Ruth in the guest bed which was in the room now belonging to James Henry. She looked completely at rest and Martin turned off the lamp which she had left on for James' comfort. James Henry was stretched out in baby peace, dreaming and still. Martin heaved a sigh of relief that at least he could have a shower and go to bed. He was so tired that his body was dragging, but so stressed that his mind was filled with swirling thoughts, scenes of the day and the surgery flashing in and out in front of his eyes.

He showered, dressed for bed and brushed his teeth. Then he picked up the phone and called the hospital for one last check on Louisa before he lay down. All was well and so he hung up, turned off his own lamp and laid his head on his pillow. He pulled the sheet and blanket up toward his face and drew a deep breath. If he tried very hard he could still catch Louisa's personal fragrance on the cloth. Though she had not slept with him for several nights now, her lovely presence still filled the room.

Martin closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep. Instead, an image of Aunt Ruth's face swam before him. What was it she had said today?


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter 2

Martin had gone to see Ruth out of final desperation. He didn't quite know why he was there except he felt he had nowhere left to go and he did have great respect for her abilities as a physician. He had already tried everything he knew to try. And then she had asked him to walk out in the field with her, to a place she remembered seeing him once sitting quietly as a small boy, smiling wistfully at the view. They sat and she began to speak.

Specific words she had said stuck tenaciously in his mind. "...you don't believe you deserve her do you? How could she love someone like you? That's what I think you believe...I watched you grow up and I remember a vulnerable and sensitive four year old boy and I remember a six year old who'd all but shut down because of the remoteness of his father and the coldness of his mother."

Had he really changed so drastically from four to six? God knew she had gotten the remoteness and coldness parts right, though he hadn't truly realized the extent of it until the last few years. But did he really believe that he didn't deserve Louisa? If so, he wasn't aware of it. He had never thought about being worthy of anyone's love. He didn't think about things like that. In general, he thought that introspection was a waste of time, but perhaps that was part of what had gone wrong. Maybe he _did_ believe she couldn't, wouldn't love him.

His mind began to spin back to the first day he met Louisa. It was on the plane to his interview for the GP position in Portwenn. He didn't remember being particularly nervous because he knew that Parsons would be in charge. But on the plane he couldn't help but notice the young woman across from him. She had such a peaceful look about her as she gazed out the window of the small plane but when she turned around, he immediately noticed that there seemed to be a problem with one of her eyes. His brilliant doctor's mind went to work, processing a myriad of possible problems. Without realizing what he was doing, he looked and leaned closer and closer until he finally seemed to frighten her. Her first words to him then were, "You've got a problem!" This said as she got up to change seats.

He was a bit taken aback at her strong reaction because he was just pursuing normal behavior for a physician but he was used to people insulting him by now, valid reason or not. It suddenly struck him as he remembered this encounter - _should_ he be accustomed to insults?

Now that he thought of it, perhaps he did frighten her, but did she have to insult him? Couldn't she have just shouted to ask him what he was doing, rather than immediately assume he was strange in some way? That he had 'a problem'? Even if she felt the need to protect herself, wouldn't it have been better for her to just walk away rather than possibly provoke a man who likely was, after all, a lot stronger than she was? And yet, even though he felt sure that something was wrong with her eye - possibly glaucoma - he had let her walk away. He had certainly endured worse insults for lesser reasons, and if she didn't want to know what was going on, it was her call.

But should he have accepted the insult? As he thought about it now, didn't he feel hurt and then immediately bristle inside, and then begin to ignore what she had said? Isn't that why he didn't go after her and try to explain himself? He had decided long ago that he wasn't going to listen to any more insults; they weren't going to affect him any longer, and so he finally just bowed up like an angry cat inside, and then ignored them. He'd heard enough of them - you're weak, always wetting your bed, you let everyone bully you, pretentious prat, arse, tosser. On and on from a young age until medical school. When he began his career though, the insults to his face had stopped. Behind his back, who knew?

But really, when he was insulted, wasn't there just that small moment of hurt within him, the almost silent wonder if the other person was correct, before the anger tiptoed or rushed in, and then the ignoring took over?

Then later, at the hotel, when Louisa confronted him again, giving him an ultimatum about his behavior in the village, he was finally able to explain his concern to her. Days followed and he saw that she had obviously taken his advice. She told him that he wasn't the way she had thought. But of course, life interrupted before she had a full chance to do what? Apologize? Then of course she had to hear that surfer boy call him a "tosser" in front of everyone. He didn't go back to her later and let her finish her sentence to him. Why didn't he go back? He could have taken time to find her sometime within the next few days and apologize for rushing off, and see if she would finish her thoughts.

But he didn't go back. He didn't go back because he knew it wouldn't make any difference. It never did. Even if she did think for a moment she might like him, something would happen to spoil it. Something always did.


	3. Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

Martin's mind continued to fall further into a well of questions about his relationship with Louisa. So many discussions over such a long time. But he needed to piece together his own puzzle of thoughts over whether Ruth was right about his feeling unworthy. What had happened next? Would that interaction reveal more?

Elaine. Mad young woman! Wrongly recorded the name and number of an ill child. He had been forced to go to the school to try to find out who the boy might be, and since he already knew Louisa, he had asked for her help. She had begun to insult and lecture him again. This time her comments pertained to the way he handled patients coming into his surgery on the very first day. As far as he could tell, nearly all of them had come there to drink tea and eat biscuits, to try to look around at what the new "Doc" had done with the consulting room.

He had not gone through all of the time and effort to retrain as a GP just to entertain this village. He was here to try to heal patients. Louisa could reprimand all she liked, it would make no difference to him. He was doing what was right for the overall medical well-being of the village. Wasn't he? This only proved his earlier point - something always happened. She was no longer even trying to like him it had seemed. He was trying to do his best and it was being rejected. Well, what did he expect?

Did this mean he felt unworthy? Perhaps it could be looked at that way. He had gone into "insult mode" as he guessed he could now call it, trying to protect himself from the verbal blows - oh God - just like a small boy with his hand over his face and head fending off literal blows. Only this time it was a hypothetical hand over his heart. She had said that he always had to have the last word. He did. The last word was the proof that the hand was there where he needed it to be.

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Of course she did come by a few days later and apologize about the whole incident with Roger. She was angry with herself and had taken it out on him, it seemed. He had been surprised to see her. Shocked actually, if the truth were told. It had even seemed as though she actually wanted to get to know him better. He had asked her out for a drink but Mylow had intervened. They had gotten to speak very little that evening. Would this village never stop interrupting them? But, as he had thought about it later, he really did like her. She was beautiful, had a lovely smile. He had known even then that there was something special about her. An inner beauty all her own.

But the interruptions were impossible for him to say no to. Medicine he was good at. Medicine he knew how to go about dealing with. Women - people for that matter - not so much. So when the interruptions came, he responded to them. No need for a hand to be held up anywhere.

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Then the haemophobia came up - out into the open. That prat Adrian Pitts spread the word, Bert Large played a trick, and then the whole village was treated to a feast of jokes at his expense. He did admit to feeling unworthy of anyone's good feeling when this subject came up. Somehow he couldn't help thinking he should have been able to prevent it from happening. At the time, he just felt it was too much surgery for too long, and deep down he felt that for some reason he deserved it. He had always been called weak, and when he was young at least, believed himself to be weak. As he had grown older, he thought he had grown out of feeling that way. But the haemophobia was just an adult sign that "weak" was still an apt description, he thought.

Why would anyone, especially a bright, outgoing, lovely beauty like Louisa want a weak, damaged man like him? When she had come up to the surgery after Bert's prank and Caroline's radio show, they had, as usual, gotten into an argument. She had asked him why their conversations were "so combative?" He didn't know, but felt it was his own fault - told her that when he spoke it seemed to make things worse.

Looking back on that conversation now, it did sound as if he felt unworthy, of even her friendship. She had said that he deliberately stood outside of things and that his behavior was selfish. Was it selfish, or was he just warding off the blows again?

Then there was that ambulance ride. He didn't know why, but when she asked, in her low, soft voice, why he had a "thing about blood," he had told her the whole story of how it had started. Clinging. He remembered saying that his patient's family was clinging to her and that the next time he saw her she was prepped for surgery and he couldn't do it. Maybe if they hadn't loved her so much they wouldn't have been clinging, just standing. And now he wondered if maybe it was because _he_ cared so much that he became overwhelmed and then phobic.

At the last, he had told Louisa that it was a shame he could no longer operate because it was the only thing he was ever any good at. The only thing. "Oh, Martin," she had said, and he remembered a tear had run all the way down her face. _Was_ it the only thing he was ever good at? It had seemed so at the time. Oh hell, that was definitely someone who felt unworthy, wasn't it? Worthy of praise for being a surgeon but worthy of nothing else, because he wasn't good at anything else.

Remembering all these scenes was helping him to see. When he cared so much, it frightened him to the point that he couldn't function. In addition, he had held a hand up to ward off blows for being no good for far too long, hadn't he? That hand was now functioning as a device that not only shielded but pushed. "Pushed her away." That was another thing Aunt Ruth had said, wasn't it? He had pushed her away.


	4. Chapter 4

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Chapter 4

Martin knew that he needed rest. He had wandered around in his thoughts for far too long. James Henry would be awake soon and they would need to go and get Louisa. Late in the afternoon, he had talked with Chris about getting a locum in for the next few weeks so that he and Louisa could figure out what to do, and so that Morwenna wouldn't be completely out of a job for two weeks. Morwenna had learned more about handling things in the surgery than any other receptionist so far, and he did not want to have to train someone else if she quit because of his uncertain life.

Martin was in complete agreement with Louisa that things needed to change in this home. He still didn't fully understand what needed to be different and what he needed to do, but he had told Louisa the truth when he said that he didn't want things to continue as they had been. If only he understood what had happened to him. Obviously Ruth was right and the problem wasn't medical. But where had things gotten so off track? The wedding was fine, the honeymoon crazy and not what either would have wanted for a wedding night, but that certainly wasn't completely his fault.

So what was it that had happened? All right, he would admit that choosing a childminder and Louisa's insistence on working were points of contention. Obviously his patients were enough to drive anyone mad and so he wasn't...well, yes, he _was_ grouchy and insulting. He was definitely not the easiest person to be around on a daily basis, if he was being truthful. He had been living alone for so long. He wasn't used to the noise and the chaos of a small baby or the fullness of a home that included a wife. But the blood phobia and the insomnia - what triggered them? Was he to be forever unable to love fully without his sensitive side getting in the way and causing him to shut down? Was _that_ what this was all about?

He hoped to talk Louisa into coming back to the surgery so that she and James could remain in familiar surroundings. He was planning to offer to go out to Ruth's farm to live for the time being after taking care of Louisa for these few weeks. If she would agree to living at the surgery, he would give her the time away from him that she felt she needed, James could remain in his own room with his own things and he, Martin, could still come in just to work after the locum was finished. He knew that Al would be beginning to ready things at the farm for his new project, but felt sure that he could at least use one bedroom for a while. He would have to talk to Ruth and Al tomorrow.

Of course, Louisa might still insist on going to her mother's. She would understand that she couldn't go right away and hopefully would be glad for his medical care. But if she still wanted to go to Spain, he was planning to take her there. He felt that taking the ferry to France and then the train from there would be the best and safest option. He certainly did not want to do this, and knew that she might not let him, but he did not think it wise for her to travel that far after everything that had happened, and especially not alone with the baby. But he knew Louisa well enough by now to know that if she had decided this was best, this was what would happen, unless he could in some way prove it was medically unwise. But he didn't know how they could fix anything if she was so far away. How?

But for now he needed to blank his mind. He tried to picture nothing. That used to be easy to do. Blank out everything. But now, it was almost impossible. Whenever, wherever he was, when he shut his eyes, the first thing he saw was light, and then the true picture was brought into focus. Louisa, smiling, holding James Henry, laughing into his tiny, perfect face. His soft blond hair the perfect foil for her chestnut locks. That was the scene that rose in front of his mind when he closed his eyes.

And then the flood. The flood of feelings that he was aware of tonight, but had not let himself be aware of before. At least not truly aware. He knew, if he was honest, that the flood came every time, but normally he held it back. Tonight he would not. Oh the absolute joy of his son - his wonderful smile, the strength in his little arms and legs, the pudgy cheeks that cried out for a kiss. A kiss that he too often did not give.

"Sensitive," Ruth had said. He thought that the village would certainly have a laugh if they knew she had used that word to describe him. Sensitive? Not our Doc, they would say, and laugh into their pints. But the flood of feelings he experienced when he looked at his son - he _was_ sensitive, wasn't he? When he recognized it, the way he felt around James Henry was... joyous, loving, comical, protective and yes,...frightened. So many things could happen to this most precious boy. Disease, accident, illness, late-presenting genetic disorders, and then there were the others - hurt feelings, broken heart.

What about Louisa? The feelings he felt with her, just looking at her, being with her...profound love, happiness, peace, admiration, intense physical attraction... and then the others... the protectiveness, the fright. He felt those with her too. And right now, in the midst of all of this mess he had made of things? What name would he give to that feeling?

He had to SLEEP! What would allow him be able to fall asleep tonight? He used his brilliant memory to think of things he had learned at school that might help. What had he not yet tried? His brow furrowed and then cleared. Fragrance. Maybe her fragrance. There wasn't enough on the bedclothes and so he opened his eyes, got up, went to her drawer and found a pair of pajamas that she had not put into her suitcase. He held them to his face and inhaled. Yes! Right there on the top of the sleeve - the mix of aromas that made up Louisa - her shampoo, her soap, her lotion...her.

He took the shirt back to the bed, wrapped his arms around it while holding it close to his face, closed his eyes, and fell sound asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 5

Martin awoke with a start, his mind somehow knowing that it was time to start the day though his body was far from ready. He leaned over to the bedside table and called the hospital to check on Louisa. He was told that she was still sleeping but would be ready for release later on in the morning. He asked the nurse to let her know that he would be in to pick her up and hung up gratefully.

Martin found Ruth in the kitchen feeding James Henry when he went downstairs. He said good morning to Ruth and then went to the baby's side. He put his hand on the tiny head and James turned toward him and grinned. Martin watched for a moment and then leaned over and kissed James' cheek. "Good morning my little cheeky man," he said as he ruffled the shiny blond locks. What would they do without Michael, he wondered. At least he could keep Michael's nickname for his little one. It felt odd to say something so informal, but maybe small things like this would help with the bigger changes that had to come.

He walked over to Ruth next. "Aunt Ruth, how can I ever thank you enough?" he said, and felt his eyes tear slightly.

"Martin, I was happy to help you; still am. I always did like Michael's name for James too." She paused then asked, "What are your plans for today?"

"Morwenna will be here soon and I am going to have to ask her to reschedule patients. Chris Parsons is trying to bring in a locum for a few weeks to keep things going here, keep Morwenna employed, and allow me some time off. I was hoping that you and Al would allow me to use a room at the farm for a while if I can talk Louisa into staying on here for a while. Do you think that would work?"

"Well, I'm sure Al won't mind," she said. "We have a lot of research to do before we start any renovations. But Martin, someone is going to have to be with Louisa at least for a week or so. She can't be left alone with the baby."

"Yes, I know. I hope that surely she will let me care for her and James for a week or more and then I will be out of her way. I will only come here to work until we figure things out. I know she wants a complete break and I will give her one if I have to, although I must admit I don't see how we can fix things if she is in Spain."

"I'm not sure if she will agree to all of that Martin. It may sound logical to you and me, but Louisa has had the example of running as a big part of her life, and she may be running because that is what she knows, or she may be running to ensure that you don't run from her. I know that may not make sense to you now, and I'm sure it's mostly subconscious, but you have to deal with her reality. Also, as much as I have grown to love Louisa, I know that, good or bad, what she says, she generally does. You will have to do some fast talking to convince her to stay." She paused again and then continued, "Finally decided you deserve her, have you?"

"Ah, mm, I have been thinking a lot about that and I think I have come to some realizations, although I need more time to think. That is another reason that I want her here. To be with her, to show her that I can change, that I know now, like never before, that I _must_ change. I have to admit though, that I don't really understand how our lives got into this mess. Why did my blood phobia return, and what has caused this maddening insomnia?"

Martin turned toward James again and began to take over the rest of the feeding. James Henry gurgled and waved his arms as he ate, making a mess of his tray. Martin grabbed a towel and began to clean his face gently. Raising the spoon again, Martin awkwardly tried to speak 'baby talk' to his son as he had heard Louisa and Michael do, "Little man, open up. Time for another bite. Yum, yum."

"Ah, you _can_ do that. I had wondered if you had ever thought of speaking to him that way. I don't seem able to do it, but I have a feeling it may be helpful for you, as his father, to learn. Speaking of your phobia and insomnia - one question," Ruth said and then asked, "How much did you talk to Louisa about what was going on?"

Martin turned to Ruth and said quietly, "Hardly at all. I hadn't spoken about the haemophobia until she asked me about you wanting to introduce me to someone."

Ruth sighed. "Martin, I know that you and I have both been raised to show no emotion but you must know by now that it isn't healthy and keeping things like that from your spouse just isn't a good idea. Especially someone like Louisa. She will, like many people, make assumptions about why you are keeping things from her, and the assumptions will not likely be good. Not true either, perhaps, but that is the way of things. Tell her Martin. Talk to her. About your parents, about your blood phobia, about the insomnia. She does love you, you know and she might have some insight into the 'whys'. Listen to her too. Let her tell you what she needs just like you would with a patient. Also, at least consider that some of her ideas might just be spot on."

"Well, Morwenna will be coming in soon and I need to go and talk to her. Then I will have a shower and get James ready for the day and we will be off to get Louisa, I suppose," Martin said.

"No Martin. Let me keep James with me. This way you and Louisa can talk honestly while you are in the car. Maybe you can at least figure out a plan for the coming week. I can stay here with James, and Morwenna can help if I get in too far over my head. It will be fine. Now go," Ruth said.

"Thank you Aunt Ruth," Martin said then paused. "Just... thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 6

After a shower, Martin dressed and went to speak to a bewildered and worried Morwenna. When he finished reassuring her that Louisa was fine and, no, she was not to lose her job, he asked her to reschedule the patients for that day and the next, which was Friday. Hopefully by Monday a locum would arrive and those appointments could be left as they were.

After helping Ruth to dress James, he climbed into the Lexus for the trip to Royal Cornwall Hospital which would take approximately an hour, assuming he was not held up by some cows or sheep on the road out of the village. Martin kept the radio off on this trip, deciding that it might be helpful to continue to review his conversations and interactions with Louisa. He hoped that if he studied enough, just like in school, the answers would come to him about how to take these dangling ends of a relationship and join them back together into a life intertwined.

He remembered that not long after they decided to marry for the second time, Louisa told him once about a dream she had not long after that harrowing ambulance drive and their first botched attempt at a kiss. She said that in the dream they had been having a picnic on one of the cliff-sides and suddenly an earthquake had begun, down at the sea, tearing the mountain apart as it got closer and closer to them. They had been glued to the grassy hill it seemed, and didn't move until it was too late. Louisa had said that she had fallen, yelling his name, and he had caught her arm just before she was lost in the deep chasm of the earth.

She said she had awakened to his voice calling after that maddening shaggy black dog that used to follow him everywhere. But she had always wondered if the dream had a message or if it was just meaningless. At the time he had brushed it off as so many thoughts floating around in a vulnerable subconscious mind but now he was not so sure. Had her dream had meaning? If so, what was it? Had she perhaps felt, at the time, that being in a relationship with him was like walking close to a fault line and it was likely to open and she to fall? But yet, he had caught her in the dream. Did that show a level of trust had already, somehow, developed between them? Or perhaps that she wanted trust to grow?

Then there was that brief meeting in the chemist's shop right after the "kiss and talk." He had tried to explain how difficult it was to separate his personal life from his profession and she had gotten angry and hardly allowed him to get in a word. He had tried to forget that little interchange because it just proved his ineptness, his inability to relate to a woman in a proper way. Still, was she right in that instance? Her fuse was short, that was for sure.

That whole time in their lives, though, when Danny Steele had come back to Portwenn; awful as far as he was concerned. He could admit that now. Perhaps he should have told Louisa that he felt that way. He could see now, looking back again through Aunt Ruth's lens that he was jealous. So very jealous. He was so sure that Danny was just what Louisa would want; what she_ deserved_. Danny was outgoing and intelligent, he and Louisa had a history and, Martin thought, most women would say Danny was handsome. He had that sureness of a treasured child; someone who had always known he had been wanted and still was. Popular with nearly everyone he met. The exact opposite of Martin in so many ways.

As he continued to drive, the next big interaction he remembered was around the time Peter Cronk's mother was injured. They had a row at the school when he believed that Louisa was not following his directions about some children he believed were infected with impetigo. Then when Mrs. Cronk was injured and Peter was staying with Martin, Louisa had come to visit. He had often wondered afterward why she _really_ had come that evening. They had been talking about taking care of Peter and Louisa had told him that he, Martin, was different. She had said she wasn't criticizing, that she quite liked the way he was. He had always remembered that. She "quite liked" the way he was. Certainly no one else had ever said anything like that to him except Aunty Joan or Uncle Phil. And for a moment, after she said it, time had seemed to stand still in the room.

Then the conversation had gone awry. He had asked her why she was acting the way she was. She was being so warm. Her smile lit the dim room that evening; he remembered that especially. But he also remembered thinking that she could not be serious. _Ahh_. He didn't deserve someone like her to "quite like" him. Of course the evening had ended with her practically running out of his kitchen door. The next day's row about more infected children had only seemed to confirm his diagnosis that her warmth was an attempt to gain his vote for the headship. But he saw now that she had just been being honest. She did really like him. It had certainly turned out that her methods to continue to teach the children even while they were infected were inventive and resourceful.

Then, after she was awarded the headmistress position, she had invited him to her party. He had seen it going on when he was out in front of the surgery. He even saw her look his way. But he didn't go. He had assumed that there was no point in it. He stayed alone.

The remembrances were stacking up now. His focus was sharpening. He had not had any realization of any of this and now it was becoming crystal clear. How had he not seen?

Soon after, Martin arrived at the hospital. He went to find Louisa and saw that she was up and dressed. Someone had already put up her hair and he found that he was sorry for that. Difficult and new as it was for him, he had enjoyed tying up that ponytail a few times before. She looked up as he walked into the room, but didn't smile with her usual brightness. "Hello, Martin," she said. "Is James not with you then?"

"No," Martin said. "He is fine. Ruth and I fed him breakfast and she is going to stay with him until I, we, get back to Portwenn." He found he had a lump in his throat. "Are you ready to leave?" he asked. This felt so awkward and tense.

"Yes, I think so," she said. "I have done some thinking about where..." but Martin interrupted her.

"I have been thinking as well. Can we talk about it when we reach the car?" Martin asked gently.

"Sure Martin," Louisa replied with a quizzical look on her face.

A nurse helped to put Louisa into a wheelchair and Martin asked her to take Louisa to the release area. He then went into the hospital shop and quickly bought the biggest bouquet that they had available and took it to Louisa. "Oh, Martin," Louisa said. "They're lovely. Thank you. Really,... thank you."

"Mm," he replied then added, "You're most welcome Louisa."

The nurse helped Martin get Louisa into the car and Martin went round to get in and drive. He didn't trust himself to speak. The feelings he had been holding back since that trip into the loo after Louisa's surgery were catching up with him. He had been thinking, wrapped up in her fragrance, able to sleep at last but only after a very long, tense night. He pulled away from the covered area, drove out into the main parking area, pulled into a space and stopped the car.

Louisa was surprised. "What...?" She began to ask but Martin turned to look at her with red-rimmed eyes.

"The flowers are lovely Louisa," he said in a shaky voice, "but not one half as lovely as you," and then a sob caught in his throat and he bowed his head, grabbed onto the steering wheel and started to cry.


	7. Chapter 7

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Chapter 7

Martin felt somewhat ashamed for this outburst but it did not seem that he was able to hold it back. All of the scenes he had been reliving went through his mind in an absolute blur. Aunt Ruth's words came into his mind as if she were right beside him. "You must change Martin," she had said. "If you're not willing to do that, then leave the poor girl alone." "...leave the poor girl alone." Could he change? Where would he start? He had tried to change already and it hadn't been enough. Never enough.

"Martin," Louisa finally spoke. "Martin,..." Louisa could not think what to do. She had never seen Martin like this. He seemed broken somehow. She wondered what she should say. A part of her wanted to reach out and draw him toward her, but she was so emotionally worn down from being with him she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Should she ask him to get a taxi for them and then he could get his car tomorrow? She felt the need to help him in some way but had no idea how. Perhaps something else had happened while she had been here in Truro?

"Martin," she began again, "has something happened while I have been in hospital? Is James really okay? Is there something you need to tell me?"

In answer she heard more crying, sometimes with a few whispered words which she could not figure out. She was beginning to get fearful when he finally lifted his head, and with tears streaming down his face he said quietly, "James is fine Louisa." Here he pulled out his ever-present handkerchief to wipe his eyes. "And yes, there is something I need to tell you. A lot I need to tell you, in fact, but I don't know where to start and I don't know where it will end. But I think I will be fine to drive now," he said. "I apologize if I frightened you." He sat still for a moment and then began to back out of the car park carefully and exited.

As they began to travel the road back to Portwenn, Louisa decided that she should bring up her plans. "Martin, I know that you said I wouldn't be flying anywhere for a while, and the doctor and nurse went over all of the release instructions before you arrived this morning and they concurred. Obviously it is not a good idea for me to be alone with James and so I am planning to call my mother and ask her to come and get me, and then she, James and I can go to Spain by the ferry and train. I don't particularly look forward to that ferry and then a long train trip through France, but I think it is the best way. I have to have a break Martin."

"Well, Louisa that is certainly one solution, I suppose, and I will, of course, support you in that if it is what you think best. I had thought of another possible solution that might be a bit easier for you and for James Henry."

"Oh, and what is that then?" Louisa asked quietly.

"I have asked Chris to have a locum for two weeks. I've had no time off to speak of since I came here and he was glad to do it. The locum will be here on Monday I hope and until then, Morwenna has rescheduled my appointments. I would like to offer you our room at the surgery. James and I can stay in his room and I will take care of you for a week or so until you are comfortable on your own. Then I will move out to the farm for a while to give you the break that you need. This way you and James can stay in familiar surroundings but I will promise to stay out of your way. Of course, if you would rather, we can hire a nurse to stay with you and I can go ahead out to the farm as soon as he or she arrives."

Louisa sat quietly. "I don't know Martin. I know that you mean well, but I have to have a break. We discussed this. After your performance at the sports day, I had to face the facts. I can't live like we have been living Martin. Neither of us is happy. I can't quite figure out why but I am hoping that if I have some time on my own I can. Figure it out I mean."

"Louisa I realize that my actions at sports day were appalling and the guilt I feel over your accident is...well, it will never leave me but..." Martin said.

Louisa interrupted, "Martin, the accident was my own fault. How many times have I told children to always, always look before crossing a street? And I have realized that my level of anger was heightened that day because things had been building up between us. It doesn't excuse what you have done but we are both to blame for this mess in our lives. But I alone am to blame for running out in front of that car."

"Mm," Martin said.

"You know Martin," Louisa said with a touch of exasperation, "what does that damn 'mm' mean?"

Martin sat still and concentrated on his driving. At last he spoke, "Louisa, that 'mm' means different things at different times I guess. That last one meant that I still feel that I share more blame for your accident than you are willing to see."

Louisa sat still and felt, once more, at a complete loss. There was nowhere to go with this man. Why was it that she felt so much love for him but could not seem to communicate even the smallest idea with him? Well, she couldn't answer those questions right now but she could make plans for the next few weeks of her life. "Martin, it is very sweet of you to want to take care of me and to try to let James stay in familiar surroundings, but I don't think it will work. I need to think and I can't do it with you around me right now. And I am sorry for that but it's just the way it is."

"Fine. I beg you, though, to stay in Portwenn for the next week at least. I will move out to the farm tonight. I am sure Ruth will come and stay with you if we can't get a nurse by the end of the day. The trip to Spain will be very hard on you Louisa and, even though I have confidence in my surgical skills, things can still happen and I will feel better if you are at least within a reasonable distance from a hospital. If you were to start to bleed on that ferry..." Martin trailed off.

"Okay Martin you win. I can see that it might not be so smart for me to be on a ferry within a few days of a brain operation. I had mentioned it to my mother but I will tell her that I want to wait a week. That will probably be better for her anyway. But I do want a nurse with me Martin, not you. I'm sorry, but not you," Louisa finished.

"Fine. Let me telephone Morwenna now and she can begin to see to it," he answered. He placed the call, explained what was needed to Morwenna, and then sat silently for the rest of the drive, his mind a blank; a blessing from being too tired to think, he supposed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Been "off the grid" for a few days. Good to be back - reviews appreciated!**

Chapter 8

Martin and Louisa rode the rest of the way back to Portwenn in silence. Louisa really wanted to know more about the outburst of tears but sensed that Martin was not ready to talk. And, after all, she had seen an outburst before, when James was born. Granted, this one was worse, but still.

When they got to the surgery, Martin stopped the car and began to get out when Louisa stopped him. "Martin," she said, "there is one thing I meant to tell you first when you came to the hospital this morning. I had almost forgotten about it. I saw your mother when she was leaving."

"Where did you see her? Where was she?" Martin asked.

"She was at the airport. Going back to Lisbon I presumed. And Martin, she had your grandfather's clock," Louisa finished.

Martin went completely still. She had taken the clock. He hadn't even noticed.

"Martin, are you okay? She said you gave her the clock." Louisa asked.

"Um, I'm okay," he answered. "We'll talk about her later if that is all right Louisa," he said and helped her out of the car and up the steps. She was quite anxious to see James Henry and went right in and called out to Ruth. Ruth answered from the den where she was playing with James and Louisa went in to find her precious son and cover him with kisses. "Ruth, I can't thank you enough for taking care of him," she said.

"I think I am actually improving, believe it or not," Ruth said smiling. "I never have seen myself as a 'baby person' but I think I may just be getting the hang of things."

Martin walked in with Louisa's suitcase and took it straight up the stairs. Morwenna was still in the office taking calls and rearranging appointments. Martin came back down and asked her about the nurse. "Someone will be here by eight tonight, Doc," Morwenna said. "She will be here through tomorrow evening when someone will come to relieve her. I think the two of them will be sharing the duties back and forth," she finished.

"Thank you Morwenna," Martin said. He paused for a long moment, just looking at this young woman who did so much for him. "You have done a wonderful job." Morwenna's brows flew up. "I apologize for these last few days...weeks really. I will be out at the farm as of this evening but please call me if you need me. Will the locum be here on Monday?"

Morwenna tried not to show her shock when he said he was going to the farm. "Yes, Doc. Dr. Parsons called and it is all taken care of. And... you're welcome. I am just glad that Mrs. Ellingham is at home and doing okay," Morwenna said.

"Yes. as am I," Martin said. As he crossed the room to go upstairs and pack a bag there was a quick knock on the door and Joe Penhale opened it and then walked in.

"Hello Doc," Joe said. "Someone down at the harbor said they thought they had seen you and Louisa coming home. How's she doing then?"

"You can ask her yourself in a moment. She is right in there. But first Penhale, I need to talk to you," Martin said. "I need to tell you...I need to say... thank you. Without you, that plane would have taken off and Louisa would likely have died. I must apologize too, for calling you an idiot and...um...various other..."

Penhale interrupted. "S'ok Doc. Forget it. Water under the bridge, aye?"

Martin cleared his throat. "No Penhale, I won't forget it. Louisa would likely be gone if not for you. Thank you." Martin held out his hand to shake.

Penhale shook his hand, but still tried to contradict Martin. "Really Doc," Penhale said. "Forget it. Just doing my job."

"No Penhale, I don't think it was just your job. You went above and beyond. You took care of James too," Martin said.

Louisa, who had heard this exchange along with Ruth, came out into reception and gave Joe a one-armed hug. "I will add my thanks as well Joe," she said, tearing up. "My little man in there, well..."

"Glad to help and glad you are home Louisa. I just wanted to check. Guess I'll be going," Penhale said, and turned to go out the door.

Martin quietly told Louisa about the nurse then walked up the stairs, completely unaware that he had left three women completely stunned behind him. Morwenna stood to hug Louisa as Ruth brought James in and then through to the kitchen. "I guess Martin did listen to me," Ruth said to herself.

Louisa followed Ruth into the kitchen. "Louisa, why don't you sit down and I will feed James," Ruth said. "I think he is getting used to me and I won't know what to do if I get through a meal without something being thrown at me or dropped on the floor."

Louisa smiled and said, "Thank you Ruth. I am tired. I guess I should go upstairs and lie down but I just want to be with James. I'll wait until Martin finishes packing anyway," she said quietly. "Wonder what all that thanking and apologizing was about? What has come over Martin?"

Ruth thought for a moment. "Perhaps you should talk to Martin about the thanking and apologizing. I'm sure he can tell you what it is all about. So he is going out to the farm tonight?" Ruth asked.

"Yes. Martin has gotten a nurse to be here with James and me. I think it will be for the best. Then in about a week I am hopeful that my mother can come and get us and James and I can go for a visit to Spain after all," Louisa said. "I'm sure that will be best, don't you agree?"

There was a long pause as Ruth considered what would be the best way to answer that loaded question. "Louisa, I don't want to interfere, but since you asked me, I will just say that I think that you and Martin need to have a very long talk and then decide _together_ about your trip to Spain," Ruth said.

"Oh Ruth, I don't want to leave but I can't figure out what to do while I am here with Martin. I love him but I am not making him happy and he certainly is not making me happy. Do you know what he said to me when I first told him that I wanted to go to Spain because we weren't happy? He asked me why everyone had to be happy all the time. How can I respond to that? Doesn't he know what a happy thing life can be? It's obvious I am not making him happy and I'm not sure I ever can," Louisa blurted out all in one breath.

Ruth weighed her words carefully. "Louisa, these are the things you need to be saying to Martin and not to me," she said.

"But he won't understand even if I do say them to him!" Louisa said, completely exasperated now.

"Louisa, I think you might find Martin more willing to listen and to try to understand than he has ever been. He and I had a long talk just after you left for the airport. He left his patients to come and find me. But you need to hear this from him, not me," Ruth said. "And one more thing. You say that you don't want to leave. Perhaps that is true, but I think you _do_ want to go. And if I am right, maybe you need to ask yourself _why_ you want to leave. That might help to clear your thinking a bit."


	9. Chapter 9

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 9

Later in the day, Louisa lay awake, resting her body but certainly not her mind. What had come over Martin with all of the thanking and apologizing? Ruth said she thought he would be more open to listening and talking. But she had seen this with Martin before. He vowed to change, he apologized, and he would do things for a while that seemed to make things better, but then he would go right back to his old self. Things were to the point now that she doubted he would ever really change and she had to decide if she could live with that.

Then she decided to explore Ruth's opinion that she, Louisa, really did want to leave. Okay, she thought, I'll pretend that Ruth is right. I don't think so - this is killing me - but Ruth is usually very perceptive. So, why would I want to leave? Well, Martin is so frustrating. He is rude, can not take a hint, and keeps everything to himself. He didn't even let me know that his haemophobia had returned! He has developed insomnia. Obviously he is very unhappy and the blood phobia's return and the insomnia happened after we married. It seems obvious to me that he is unhappy with our life. Leaving is the only thing to do in this case. Isn't it? Of course. What else can I do? I tried to talk with him several times, the last being the morning I wanted to have breakfast together. He shut me out. Again. I love Martin and want him well but I feel I have tried everything. Even Ruth tried to get him to talk with someone and he wouldn't do it. Obviously our relationship is the problem.

Leaving is the only answer.

So, I guess Ruth is right, she thought. Perhaps I do want to leave. And my reasons make perfect sense. Eventually he will see for himself that the marriage is the obvious cause of his unhappiness and he will want to leave himself. He is so honorable, he won't want to do it so it will be up to me. Best to do it now. Make a clean break of things and start over before things get any messier. James Henry will get over it. He is still too young to understand. Martin will certainly help me out financially and he would surely not mess James around. Of that I am certain...although look at what my own mother did.

And I am not going to sit around and wait for Martin to get completely exasperated and be driven to do to me what my mother did to my father - and to me!

At that last thought a stillness descended in the room. Even the constant noise of the seagulls seemed to recede as Louisa went back in her mind to her mother leaving. Her mother had just been gone one day when she came home from school. Her father was there, drinking and crying, and he had hugged her over and over. "Poor Louisa," he had said. "My poor girl. No mother any longer. She's gone. Gone. Louisa, it is not your fault, it is mine. She was never happy and she finally left. Oh God, help me," he had cried over and over. "God, help my little girl."

Her mother had left a letter for her. She had said she loved her "Lou-Lou" bunches, but she couldn't be happy with her father and was leaving Portwenn. She thought Louisa would be happier staying there where she knew everyone and they all loved their little Louisa. She would be back someday to see her Lou-Lou, but she wasn't sure when.

Louisa had known her parents weren't happy a lot of the time. They would row for days on end, and it frightened her, but they always seemed to make it up. Usually with an evening of drinking and a lot of kissing. Not talking. She always felt a bit better when that happened but then, after a few days, things would be right back the way they had been before. A few times her mother had left to visit her own sister for a week or so...

Louisa froze. Her mother would go to visit her sister. She needed a break, she would say. Then she would come back but her parents wouldn't really talk to get back together. They would drink and, she supposed, make love. But talk and try to figure out what was happening? No. Terry just made her mother unhappy. Her mother couldn't settle and so she finally left.

Louisa realized that she was doing what she had always promised herself that she wouldn't do. She wouldn't make promises and then break them. When she got married, she wasn't going to run away, no matter what. And no one would run away from her either. If there was a problem, she was going to work it out with her husband, no matter what.

She remembered thinking those things over and over again as she was growing up. She thought about a friend of hers at university, Cecilia. She had gotten engaged and, not long afterward, had a huge argument with her fiance. They had not talked for a few days and then they had gotten back together even though Cecilia had still been unhappy about the argument. She had a distinct memory of Cecilia saying, "Oh well, if it doesn't work out we'll just get a divorce. I've got a wedding to plan." At the time she had shuddered. Not me, she had thought. Never. She needs to get things sorted with him, she had thought at the time.

She needed to slow down here, didn't she? On the one hand, it seemed that leaving was the only thing she knew, but on the other hand, she didn't want to be the one left behind either. Ruth had said, well even Martin had said, that there was a lot to talk over. Maybe before she made arrangements with her mother, she should see what Martin had to say now that he had talked to Ruth. He must have really been shaken to have left his patients and gone out to find Ruth. She needed to keep her promises that she had made to herself oh so long ago. And the ones she had made to God and to Martin fairly recently.

0000000000000000000000000000

Martin sat in his consulting room, suitcase by his chair. Morwenna had gone and he was finishing up some paperwork and making a few notes for the locum. James Henry was in the den with Ruth, slowly falling asleep while Louisa rested upstairs. Martin was not happy about these arrangements and he hoped that the nurses would be adequate. Well, at least he would be just out at the farm and Ruth was here in the village.

He had worked out an arrangement with Louisa that he would come by the next day at eleven and take James Henry for lunch and for the afternoon and bring him back after he had a nap. He was taking a few of James' toys out to the farm so that there would be something to do while they were there. Martin hated this. Hated it. Why couldn't she at least have let him look after her so that he could feel that she was safe? He closed his eyes tightly and clenched his fists. Oh, this was so... maddening! He forced himself to think about what he was feeling. Protective, frightened, angry - those were his feelings at the moment, but mostly he was frightened, he admitted to himself. What if something went wrong while she was sleeping? By the time he could get here from the farm she could be gone.

So, I was a sensitive and vulnerable four year old was I? This was what sensitivity and vulnerability got you. Worry, fright, pain. Better to have a wall, wasn't it? No fear, no pain, no worry - just total confidence in yourself right? Right?

But a voice whispered, very, very quietly inside his heart. The sensitivity and vulnerability brought the love, the life! Every time things had gone right between him and Louisa, it was when he had finally showed some sensitivity. And been vulnerable. Louisa seemed to respond to those traits, not shun him for being weak when he showed them to her as his parents had always done.

The wall he had built was false. The fear was still there, just covered up, the pain smothered into silence, the total confidence only an illusion of control. As for the love and life, the wall seemed to crush them.

Oh God help me, he thought. Or prayed. I really do not know where to begin to fix this. He began to think again of their relationship history. They had continued to have misunderstandings and frustrating conversations. Then there was that fateful visit by his parents. His mother telling him her life had been a waste because of him. There had been a blow-up that day. "Shut-up Louisa," he had said. He had tried to apologize later but, as usual there were medical interruptions. And then she had told him to shut-up too.

Then they planned to meet at the pub to talk things out once and for all, but a patient intervened once again. Tricia Soames finally decided she needed help at the same time that he and Louisa's talk was to begin. He chose the easy way out - medicine - and Louisa was left alone. Again. And he did not call and explain. Again. He had been sure there was really no need.

Then there was that awful afternoon he ended up in the woods with Stewart the ranger - falling, losing a shoe in the muck, getting caught in a trap, on and on until finally Mylow was found and given help for his anaphylactic reaction to a snakebite. After everything that had happened, the rows, the misunderstandings, his failure to call her and explain things, she had still met him at the door when he returned from the woods and told him she had been worried, about him. Why hadn't he seen? Why did he have such a hard time believing she cared? Why hadn't he ever once said "thank you?"

Maybe they could talk while James was napping, that is if she wasn't asleep herself. He got up and made his way to the stairs.


	10. Chapter 10

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 10

Ruth was napping herself when Martin peeked into the den. So James was upstairs asleep, he thought. He ascended quietly and peeked into James' room. His son was sleeping peacefully. Then he crossed the hall to see Louisa. She was lying on her side with her back to the door but the way the sun was filtering into the room, he could see a tear rolling down her cheek which made him certain that she was awake.

"Louisa," he said softly.

"Martin?" she asked, and turned herself around so that she could see if it was really him.

"I don't want to bother you if you are trying to sleep," Martin said.

Louisa wiped the tear from her face and patted the bed. "No, I'm not going to fall asleep. You aren't bothering me. I was just thinking," she said.

"Yes. I was as well," Martin said. "And I want to tell you a few things that I have been thinking about if you feel up to it." He walked over and sat down beside her.

"Sure, Martin. Go ahead. After all of that crying earlier, it is obvious that something is deeply bothering you," Louisa said.

"Louisa, I have spent nearly every minute since I left you at the hospital yesterday going over our relationship in my mind. You see, I had a talk with Ruth after you left for the airport and I have realized that I have been very unfair and selfish toward you. There is so much that I need to tell you, some of it things I didn't even know myself until speaking with Ruth," Martin said. "I hardly know where to begin."

"Well it sounds like maybe you need to begin by telling me what you learned from Ruth," Louisa said.

"Perhaps I should start with something before that. Louisa, I guess you remember the day that Danny's lung collapsed?" Martin asked.

"With total clarity," Louisa replied.

"Well, what you don't know, and I suppose I should have told you long ago, is that the reason I told you to shut-up that day was because when you came to the surgery, I had just walked out to clear my head. My mother had just finished telling me that she and my father were divorcing and that she had wasted forty years of her life - because of me," Martin said. His eyes began to tear slightly, but he drew in a breath. He didn't want to break down right now. He wanted to talk. And listen.

Louisa opened her eyes as widely as she could and just as quickly she closed them tightly and shook her head. Then her tears started and she grabbed Martin's hand in hers and squeezed it. "Oh Martin," she said. "I knew that you and your father didn't get along and that he had used harsh punishments. Then of course when you never spoke of your parents and didn't want them invited to our wedding, I knew things must have been bad. Of course now I have seen your mother myself and I…..well….I had words with her at the airport yesterday."

Now it was Martin's turn to open his eyes widely. "You….what….what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Martin, she spouted off just one more thing about you and I had just had enough. I told her I didn't like her and I thought that her treatment of you was terrible. I had been feeling more and more anger toward her while she had been here and now I am glad to see the back of her. Did you really give her the clock?" Louisa asked.

Martin shook his head and said, "Certainly not. After you left and I had talked to Ruth I finally decided to confront her about why she was here." With disgust in his voice he said, "She had been telling me she wanted things to be different between the two of us. That she knew she had made mistakes. Then she began to tell me that my father had given some sort of death-bed confession about loving me and being proud of me. I attacked her statements, knowing that someone who had suffered a severe stroke could not possibly have said all those things, at least not without considerable difficulty. She then changed her story to say that he had instead had a heart attack."

Louisa stared at Martin, alarmed by the depth of anger she was hearing from him, and feeling within herself. Martin continued. "Finally I got her to admit that the real reason she was here was to get money. She wanted three hundred thousand pounds. I told her no, that I had a patient to see and to be gone when I returned." He shook his head again. "I guess I should have figured she would help herself to something while I was gone. Oh well, let her have the clock. Maybe it will keep her out of the gutter until she finds some poor sod to keep her in the manner she enjoys."

Martin paused and looked down, shaking his head. Louisa sat up fully on the bed and took her uninjured hand and lifted his chin so that he would have to look her in the eye. "Martin," she said, "is this how things have always been for you? Was she always so cruel and mean?"

"Louisa, I don't quite know how to answer that question. I...well, when I was growing up I was always so unhappy. Nothing ever seemed to work out right. Someone was always bullying me, I wet my pants well beyond the age that most children stop, I was picked on for being smart. You name it, it happened to me. My parents were, I believe, embarrassed by me. I wasn't good at sport, I was generally awkward and I always felt that I was weak - the way I knew my parents saw me. I didn't really think that they were wrong. I thought I was" Martin answered.

"Oh Martin," Louisa said but Martin interrupted her.

"But now I am wondering about some things that Ruth told me. Wondering what to think about them. Wondering how to deal with them because I have a great deal of respect for Aunt Ruth, as a person and as a physician. She told me that when I was four years old, I was a vulnerable and sensitive boy and then by the time I had turned six I had almost "shut down" due to the behavior of my parents. I am trying to make sense of all of this. It sounds as if I started out on one path in my life, the path that was natural for me which was to be vulnerable and sensitive, and got rerouted...onto... this path of ...I don't even know what to call it. I must admit it all has me confused because I have never wanted to be thought of as vulnerable or sensitive - those seem to be qualities of someone who is weak and I don't want to be weak."

"Martin," Louisa began again but he interrupted her again.

"Louisa I need to try to finish this, I'm sorry, but I am afraid if I stop my train of thought I will never get back on track. It's just that it seems to me, as I have looked back on so many occasions in our relationship, the few times I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and sensitive are the times things have worked with us. Really worked." Louisa nodded her head in agreement. "And yet, as a physician, it seems that when I get too sensitive, I am unable to work. And when I love someone as much as I love you and James, I am completely overwhelmed by it. I believe now that the haemophobia came on originally when I truly began to feel a strong empathy with the patient I was to operate on that day and her family. Somehow my sensitive side rushed back, I became frightened and overwhelmed and was suddenly so vulnerable and afraid of the blood that I could not go on. So, what am I to do? If I am sensitive, it seems I can have you, but I can't function. If I live my life the way I have lived it for the last thirty odd years, I can at least function as a doctor, but not, it seems, as a man who can love his wife and child in the way that they need. You see, it is as I told you before I operated, I need your help."

Louisa just looked at Martin and then hugged him with her good arm. He lightly hugged her back. "Martin," she said, "we can't solve all of this today, obviously. But it does sound like you are on the right track. I have been doing my own thinking too. I see that I am too quick to run. I have realized that I don't want to be left again the way my mother left dad and me, but I don't want to run anymore either and act the way she did. My thinking has been that our relationship is causing your insomnia and the return of your blood phobia, and that I should leave before you can leave me. This is a crazy mess. I don't know if we can figure this out on our own Martin. I just don't know. But you surprised me yesterday when you said you didn't want things to go back to the way they had been."

"I wasn't trying to surprise or manipulate you when I said that; just speaking the truth. But the sad thing is that I don't know if there is any way to change things to the way they need to be for the optimum welfare of you and James," Martin said. "I just don't know."

**Thanks for reading. I'd love some more feedback - this one is very introspective. Do I need to lighten up a bit**?


	11. Chapter 11

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks to all of you who answered my question and reviewed after chapter 10! Keep 'em coming!**

Chapter 11

Louisa chewed her lip in frustration at the entire situation.

Martin stared off into space for a moment and then said, "Wait a moment. Did you just say that my mother said something bad about me and you told her that you thought the way she treated me was terrible?" Louisa nodded. "So, you took up for me, even after all that I have done?" Martin asked. She nodded again.

"Why? Why on earth would you do that after everything that has happened between us? I almost got you killed for God's sake," Martin said.

"Martin, YOU did not almost get me killed. I know the rules of cars and pedestrians. But to your question, I guess I am not totally sure of all the reasons I had for talking to your mother that way, but mostly it was because I love you. I love you Martin Ellingham. And contrary to what you may think I do NOT want you to totally change. I am just thinking that what needs to happen is that you need to get back to walking on your true path. Perhaps then the phobia and insomnia will go away. And you will be happy. WE will be happy. And that will be for the 'optimum welfare' of all three of us," Louisa said. "I have loved every single moment that we have been together when you have been sensitive and vulnerable. I think that is what I see that no one else gets to see, or at least not very often. I think I sensed it in you from the start after your interview when you diagnosed me despite the way I had acted. I could tell that you really care about people. Some doctors would have written me off. You are a brilliant doctor. You are a handsome man, a terrific lover and a great Dad. And you will become even better at that if you learn to relax a bit with James and have some fun with him. You will always be a serious person Martin, but I hope that you can learn to have fun sometimes too," Louisa said. "I'll never forget your parrot joke on our honeymoon."

She continued. "Martin, you have just said you love me. I know that I love you. Surely two intelligent people who know their own feelings can find a way through this madness.I just think that we need some help. If I can just know for sure from you that being with me is not what is at the root of everything, I can stay, I think," Louisa said.

"Louisa, of course it is not you or James causing all of this. Why would you think that?" Martin asked.

"Because you would never talk to me about it. What else was I supposed to think Martin?" Louisa answered with impatience. She paused. "I mean, I really do need some time to think, but I can do it here in Portwenn I guess - if I have some time alone. And I would like to take a little vacation - just the three of us - but it doesn't need to be right now." She paused again to think. "But Martin I do think we are going to have to have some help to figure this out. We have tried to do it ourselves for how many years now, and for some reason we don't seem to be able to," she continued.

"Yes, I agree with getting help now, although it goes totally against the way I think to say that. It makes me feel weak. But I don't see another way either. I guess we should ask Ruth, do you think?" Martin asked. Louisa nodded. Martin continued, "And Louisa, I need to tell you that I love you too. So much. You're beautiful, joyful, intelligent, a great, great mother just as I knew you would be, and forgiving. And so much more than that.

James Henry began to awaken; they could hear him on the baby monitor which Louisa had put back into the bedroom. Martin had leaned over to give her a kiss; he frowned slightly as did Louisa but then she started to get up to get James but he motioned her back down. "I'll get him," he said.

Martin went in James' room and realized that he had almost missed this awakening moment. His son would have had a nap in Spain today if not for Penhale stopping the plane and Louisa's surgery. Or possibly he would have still been here, but minus a mother. Martin shivered just thinking of such an outcome. "Hello cheeky man," he said to James as he picked him up. James Henry gave him a smile. Martin gave James a kiss on the forehead and went back into the bedroom with Louisa.

"Cheeky man?" Louisa said, with absolute amazement on her face. "Did you, Martin Ellingham, just call our son, 'cheeky man'?" she asked as she took the baby from him.

"Um, yes. Well, despite Michael's OCD, you have to admit that he did have a way with James Henry and I am sure we will miss him. And that was Michael's nickname. I decided it sounded like something you might say too, so I started to use it this morning," Martin said, with a touch of defensiveness.

"Oh Martin, don't put your guard up. I think it's nice. I love that name too and yes, we are all going to miss Mike. I don't know what we will do for a childminder, but I will be with him for a while now anyway," Louisa said.

"Yes and perhaps if I can, I mean if WE can figure out some of what is wrong, finding a new minder won't be so difficult. Or if I am not here at all," Martin said.

"What do you mean Martin?" Louisa asked.

Martin began to answer, "Well, I just meant that if we can figure things out and I can change, that will be a great help in finding someone new. If I can't change and I have to leave your lives for the most part...if we have to...divorce...then it wouldn't be so..."

Louisa quickly interrupted with a raised voice. "Martin, we have just said we are going to get some help to straighten this mess out. And we will. Don't even use the 'd' word!"

"All I am saying Louisa, is that if there is no way for me to..." Martin began again.

Louisa interrupted again. She softly placed a finger onto his lips. "No Martin. Stop. We will find a way. Part of the problem, I can see already, is that you think of sensitivity and vulnerability as being bad things. You were taught that they were bad things. They aren't and we are going to deal with that. And perhaps there is a bit of that kind of thinking within me as well. But right now I am tired. Do you think that you could take James downstairs for me - I don't want to carry him on the stairs yet - and I will come down and perhaps you could go and get some dinner from Bert's before the nurse arrives?"

"Yes. I will surely take him down but I don't have to go to Bert's unless you want me to. I am happy to fix supper for us. Ruth too. I owe her a meal anyway," Martin said.

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Later after supper and James' bath, Ruth went home and Martin took the baby back upstairs for Louisa. She brought him into the bed with her and began to show him some books she had asked Martin to bring in. Martin looked down at Louisa. Her dark hair shone beautifully in the lamplight and the abrasion on her cheek looked so much better now. He leaned down and softly kissed her cheek. She stopped playing with James at once and looked up at him with a question on her face.

"Um, was that all right?" Martin asked.

"Yes Martin. It was fine. You will stay until the nurse comes won't you?" Louisa asked.

"Of course," he said. "I'll just go down to the den."

"No, stay here with us. He might fall off the bed," Louisa said.

"Yes, of course," Martin said and sat down on the other side.

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When the nurse arrived, Martin grilled her for a bit then said goodbye, went down the stairs and let himself out. He did not listen to the radio as he drove down the hill in front of the surgery, resigned to be going to the farm.


	12. Chapter 12

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 12

As he got down the hill, Martin saw Penhale near the water. Joe was standing alone, looking out to sea. Hardly realizing what he was doing, Martin pulled the Lexus into a spot and got out. He walked over to Penhale.

"Evenin' Doc," Joe said. "Surprised to see you. Is Louisa okay on her own?"

"Um no Penhale. She's not. And um, she's not alone. There is a nurse," Martin said.

"A nurse? Oh, to give you time to continue to work?" Joe asked.

"No Penhale. Louisa asked for the nurse. I...I am going out to the farm to stay for a bit. I'll be around to help with James but Louisa, well...," Martin's speech drifted off into silence.

"I understand Doc. A time off. A break. A little pause. A...," Joe said.

Martin interrupted with impatience, though not as much as usual. "Yes, yes Penhale. A little break. We have some things to get sorted. Why am I standing here telling you this? It's none of your..." Martin stopped himself. "Sorry Penhale. I should just say - yes, we have some things to get sorted and I would very much appreciate it if you would not pass that along to the whole village."

"No problemo Doc. I totally get it. My lips are sealed. If I can help, let me know." Joe paused. "You know, Doc. I have always liked you. I know, a lot of people around here, well they say...well, I've always liked you as I say but today...today you seem different. And you know, I think I like you even more," Joe finished.

"Thank you Penhale... On Monday there will be a locum starting for two weeks, but I will be around if...well, if you need me," Martin said. "Oh and Penhale - it's 'oaf' - officious little oaf - if you have need of it again."

"Thanks Doc and...it's Joe, ya know?" Joe asked.

Martin stood still. He waited and considered. He thought through so many of the things Ruth and Louisa had said. He thought about his own impatience and rudeness. He thought about his wall. He could picture it in his mind - tall, dark, heavy, and underneath it a crushed heart. "Yes. Goodnight...Joe," he said and walked back to his car.

**This is just a short one but I love John Marquez and I think his character deserves this.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

Chapter 13

As Martin began to weave his way out of the village he shook his head to clear it. Now why in the world did I do that, he wondered. Well, the man probably saved everything in my life singlehandedly, he said to himself. When that official was not going to let him on that plane, Martin's mind had just shut down for a moment and then he had thought he was going to have to knock the man down to get to Louisa. He knew he couldn't do that because he had never hit anyone in his life. And somehow Penhale...Joe... got him through. Thank God he got me through, Martin thought.

When he finally arrived at the farm, he was surprised to see a light on and find the door unlocked. "Hello," Martin called out.

"Yeah hello Doc. It's me," Al called out.

Martin walked through the kitchen and into the den. Al was on the couch, turning off the television. "I didn't know you would be here, Al. I thought I would be out here by myself."

"Oh, no problem with me Doc, if it's no problem with you. I just talked with Ruth a bit earlier today and thought she would tell you. Maybe she forgot. I had to leave though, ya know? I mean, Joe's my mate...well sort of, but it was time, ya know?" Al asked.

"Yes, yes, I can understand. Well it will be no problem I'm sure, although I will have James Henry out here part of the time," Martin said.

"Oh sure I know," Al replied. "No problem. How 'bout we do this? You just do your thing, and I'll do mine. I am going to be doing some research and calls tomorrow, but all of my computer things are in the room I took. I left you the larger room in case you did have to have a cot for the little guy."

"Well, Al, that is more than helpful. I'll just go and bring in the rest of my things then, shall I?" Martin said.

"I'll help," Al said as he got up off the couch and followed Martin outside.

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After Louisa got James Henry into his cot, she got ready for bed herself. Though she was tired from the emotions of the day, and from the move from hospital, her mind was spinning. She had been upset the day before when she didn't get to come home as Martin had said she would, but the consultant had thought it best as her blood pressure was a bit unstable still. Now she was glad for the extra time because it had allowed Martin all of that time to think. Now it was her turn to lay in the bed and scrutinize things.

She could hear the nurse downstairs in the kitchen, probably getting a cup of tea. She remembered the night she had been in the kitchen of this house with a bottle, no, several bottles, of wine. She remembered what had preceded that night. She and Martin had had a dust-up about Julie Mitchell, Mark Mylow's fiance at the time. The Salvation Army had come looking for Julie, but Martin refused to tell the man how to find her. Martin had acted as though he didn't care and then, when the whole truth about Julie had come out, Martin had said he knew all along that it would happen. She remembered confronting him and asking why in the world he had acted as if he didn't care when she, Louisa, had come to him? He had given her no answer. Now she thought that perhaps she knew why. He had thought that he had to act that way in order to keep patient confidentiality and she had jumped on him for it. And when she had been so quick to get angry, it had brought out his defensiveness to counteract his sensitivity. Ruth's wise words were certainly a big help to her in beginning to really understand her husband.

Later, after she had broken up with Danny, she had had enough - she needed to connect with Martin in some way. She had admitted to herself when she got back home from the break-up that she couldn't have married Danny even if he had stayed in Portwenn. She loved Martin. She knew it, and she HAD to get through to him. She finally had the idea that maybe, just maybe some alcohol would break down those high defenses of his. She should have known better. And what about Martin? He knew what would happen if he drank all of that wine. Why had he done it? Had he somehow subconsciously wanted to show her those sides of himself that he didn't even realize he had? Had he thought that perhaps she was right and if he drank enough, he would be able to tell her what he obviously had wanted to say - that he loved her? She remembered him saying that all he thought about was just catching a glimpse of her. That she was so beautiful. And then he had said that he loved her, twice he had said it. As if he couldn't help himself. Those things he had said were quite possibly the most romantic words any man had ever said to her. That was the sensitivity showing through, wasn't it?

How to let him know that words like that showed strength, not weakness? How to let him know that "going for it" like Mark had done, wasn't always but _could_ be a sign of a deep capacity for tenderness and that was a good thing too. This was like finding her way out of a life-sized maze! Was it his need for avoiding any show of vulnerability that caused him to call her potentially delusional the very next day when she had told him she loved him too? Was it her fear that he had only said he loved her because of the alcohol that made her get so angry, slap him and walk away?

Later, when she was alone, she had wished that she had just stood there and asked him calmly if he really meant that - that he didn't believe her when she spoke of love, and that he hadn't meant it when he said he loved her? But if she had done, she was terrified that he would have agreed that yes, he had only said words of love due to alcohol, and she would be humiliated and left alone again. At the time she didn't think she could bear that because it would be one more in a lifetime of betrayals.

And then her Dad had come to town. What a mess that was! He and his bipolar friend Jonathan. Martin had given her the absolutely ugliest birthday card she had ever seen! But, at least he had done it - she didn't know how he had found out the date of her birthday. A village gossip she supposed. His idea of an apology of sorts. Then he had tried to ask her for a meal but she had turned around and seen her father. Why didn't I go back to Martin later and find out about the meal, she asked herself. She had wanted to straighten things out, and he had tried it seemed.

But then that...oh what was his name...Gavin, yes, Gavin, from the Cause for Concern Initiative came and caused so much trouble! She had gotten so angry at Martin at the review panel's meeting. He didn't even try to stand up for himself. She had gone after him and told him she thought he _wanted_ to be relieved of his position, but she had laid it all on the line when she told him she didn't want him to go. It had seemed that he thought there was nothing worth staying for. He still didn't believe she cared, did he? But, she thought, I must have changed his mind or something because when that vile Gavin came to the surgery for the last time, Martin did sign up for the class after all. He must have done that for me, she thought. Why did I never realize? Well, I was scared to death at the time, she remembered. But still, why?

Probably because after that whole episode with getting the explosives was over, there was so much craziness for months. There were depositions and all manner of trouble with the courts. She put both hands over her eyes and pressed. Terrible. Embarrassing. Another betrayal. This time her father.

So many things were always interrupting their lives, it seemed. Those interruptions were typically medical and had always made things worse. And, when a choice had to be made, Martin always chose the interruption. His dedication was admirable but he had to learn to take time for himself and his family too. Pure daily stress was probably part of what made him irritable. His need for being the best, for proving himself all of the time, kept him from taking time off. James Henry would need a father who took time for him. She needed a husband who took time for her too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Okay, ladies - this one is for us - what do you love about our Doc? Review, review!**

Chapter 14

Martin had at last gotten things arranged in his room and gotten James' travel cot put down beside of the window. He was ready to get in bed and was totally exhausted. He sat down and turned on the lamp. Should he call the nurse and check on Louisa once more, he asked himself. No, probably not. She and James will likely both be asleep and it might awaken them. He got up and brushed his teeth, then decided he might read a bit. He did not think he could stand to think anymore. All of this going over feelings was exhausting! He would have to do a lot more of it if he was to win Louisa back completely, he knew, but not tonight. No more.

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Louisa, however was still wide awake although she had tried closing her eyes and blanking all of the thoughts out of her mind. There would be time to think more the next day, she knew. But James Henry would need care and she was beginning now to feel a bit like Sherlock Holmes. Or perhaps she was Watson and Ruth was Holmes. Despite her fatigue, she felt a sense of urgency. Somehow all of these experiences had to fit together. She had to make sense of this mystery of a relationship and get her life and Martin's to fit together. To work smoothly together, like all of the gears in those clocks he loved.

Against her better judgment she began to ruminate about one moment between them that was so...sweet. She had fainted outside of the school and Martin had been looking at her when she came out of the faint. Later she had gone to the surgery and he had leaned down to examine her eyes. Um, she still remembered the scent of his soap when he had leaned closer. It had been quite a while since they had been so close and she had missed it. Martin was like a strong magnet, she thought, for her at least. When he had stood back up to talk to her that day and his voice had gone all soft and smooth like melted chocolate, she had felt a tremor inside. She didn't exactly know what it was about him that attracted her so much, but something surely did.

For one thing, she had always loved tall men, and he was _so_ tall. His voice, too, was like velvet sometimes when he called her name. His London accent was so posh, almost exotic compared to the country accents that were normal to her ear. His hair was so soft and smooth. And then there was his confidence in a medical emergency - it was compelling to watch him as he quickly assessed the problem and went rapidly from step to step to figure out how to best help. All of this and more combined to completely undo her when he was around. And truthfully, sometimes even when he wasn't. She could just think of him, picture him with that half-smile, calling her name in his velvet bass and feel absolutely elated.

Of course physical attributes weren't the most important things that had attracted her to Martin. He was so intelligent, so dedicated to medicine, so meticulous. She often wished, even more so now that she lived with him, that she was as particular about things being tidied and put in their right place - it really did make life easier. He was so dedicated to things that he loved too. He was comfortable in situations that would intimidate her. She had been so surprised at their wedding reception to learn that he could dance, but then realized that she should have known. He was perfectly suited for a life that would require ballroom dancing from time to time. He was elegant, in his own way. He had high morals and kept his patients' problems completely confidential. He loved his son. He loved her too. She thought he loved her.

Yes, the time he had seen her after the faint was sweet but it hadn't stayed sweet for long. As usual he had been medical, she had tried to connect, and a row ensued. But when she had gone to him with Allison Lane, after Martin had saved Allison's daughter's life, he had said it might be time for something new. She had tried to downplay her own excitement about this comment, but when her friend Holly gave her tickets to a concert, an ill-fated concert as it turned out, she had asked Martin to go. She had spent so much time and money on her outfit for the evening. Martin looked so handsome when he came to get her that it nearly took her breath. She remembered the feeling even now, after so much time had passed.

But, of course, he had said nothing about how she looked, except to wonder about the possible inadequacy of her shoes. She thought she had noticed his eyes shining as she came toward him though. Funny how she could relive certain moments so clearly. There were some odd moments during the evening - he insulted the caterer for one. But she had gotten her hopes up so much that they would finally connect on that night. And she had been sure it was going to happen when she felt his eyes on her during the concert. The sensuous nature of the tension between them was palpable which was why, when they started to walk back to the car, and he took her hand, her pent up need for him had overcome her.

She had pulled him into a small open space beneath some trees and kissed him. Oh, she could feel, even now, the warmth and the pounding of her heart when at last he put both arms around her waist and gave himself up to the kiss. She knew what would come next, or thought she did. Surely they had connected and there would be no leaving this time, no pulling back. But of course it was not to be. Perhaps he was scared, perhaps it was just ingrained habit, but of course Martin had to start being a doctor and talking about pheromones and urine-like smells and mood disorders! Oh she had gotten so angry! Thinking of it now though, she could see that probably the amount of anger she felt was in proportion to the anticipation she had felt. Such large hopes for an evening and they had all come smashing down.

At the end of the evening, she had told him she didn't want to see him anymore. His eyes - she could still recall how wide his eyes had gotten when she had made that pronouncement. His brows had gone up and he had looked...just like a brokenhearted little boy. Yes, that was it. It was as if he was about five years old and someone had said his best friend didn't like him anymore. Perhaps that was how he had felt. But, after all that had followed, should she perhaps have stuck to her plan that night? She had told him that they weren't going anywhere, because just when they would get ready for what she hoped would be a deep connection, he would either say something rude or fall back into medical jargon or both. It was as if he just had NO ability to get close. But she knew that wasn't true. She did. There were other times - well - two days later he had proved that he COULD connect, hadn't he?

Holly had come to visit and injured herself, been told to stay in bed after receiving treatment, and gotten up anyway. The first moment she was able, she got right up and then fell - and almost killed herself! Martin had, of course, come running! He had given her morphine, to which she proved intolerant. Then he had wanted to try Nalorphine but she, Louisa, had broken the bottle. He had then used a defibrillator with no response, and finally, an injection of adrenaline which saved Holly's life. And all of that within about a three minute span of time! It was the most amazing thing she had ever seen him do, with the exception of saving Peter Cronk.

When Holly had been taken to hospital, Martin began to clean up her bloody kitchen floor. The horrible tension between them in that small room - she had wanted him to go because she felt so attracted but felt he was not good for her. She had told him he was extraordinary because she really thought he was, she KNEW he was. But he had said, "No, I'm not." Now that she knew so much more of his background, she knew that he really didn't see how extraordinary he truly was. Everyone in the village knew it - of course they also knew that he was rude, intolerant, and almost completely anti-social.

She paused in her thinking. She could see, upon reflection, that Martin's thoughts about himself were incomplete. He knew people called him names and talked badly about him. He expected it and seemed to even accept it. What he didn't seem to understand was how truly gifted everyone could see that he was. How dedicated. How caring he was even if he had only his own backward way of showing it. He really didn't see the good in himself that others saw. Now she could see that it was really, really amazing that he had asked her to marry him after she had told him he was extraordinary. Saying that to him probably brought up all kinds of bad feelings, but he had said "please" and "I can't bear to be without you." There it was - at last - the connection, the vulnerability, she had been looking for. And since she knew it was there, she had accepted his proposal gladly and with a completely open heart. Her heart had felt full to bursting that night. Oh that night.

But later, when the wedding didn't happen, she had begun to rue that night. The sorrow had been deep. And she wondered now if part of what happened between them, maybe almost all of it, was because they didn't begin, that very night, to do what they were doing now. Try to really understand each other. Try to see what was behind the actions of the other, particularly when the actions didn't feel right. Try to get to know the hurt that each was feeling from a wretched childhood - yes hers was wretched too - she could admit it now. She had always felt such a whinger if she complained, even to herself, about her childhood. But now she could see that it was part of the problem.

It was almost as if she and Martin had come together to try to find a way to be complete, wasn't it? He to find someone openly loving, accepting, joyful even. And she, what did she hope to find when she chose Martin?


	15. Chapter 15

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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Chapter 15

What did she hope to find? If Martin was trying to complete himself, what was she looking for to complete herself that she felt she saw in him? She saw someone strong, someone steadfast, someone loyal. She could count on Martin to take care of her. She would be safe with him. That was what she had thought that she needed. In truth she was so tired of being the one who was independent, had no one to be there for her. Poor little Lou-Lou. No one to call her own. She didn't really need to be taken care of though, did she? She just wanted someone she could count on as a partner.

Could she really count on Martin though? She could count on him for large things - she knew he'd never let her want for anything, as long as it was in his power to provide it. She knew he felt a keen interest that their child have the best of everything. Of course they didn't always agree on what was best, but...and she knew she would never have to worry about Martin's faithfulness. He was sober as a judge. He would never leave her for another woman. But smaller things - well, not really smaller, maybe she should say everyday kindnesses. The little things that gave life meaning - she couldn't count on him for those. She knew that now. And those things were important. Words of love and care, time and attention, humor, friendliness. Those he rarely had for her, or anyone. VERY rarely. And could he learn all of that after all of this time or was it too late? And if he couldn't learn, or really didn't want to, could she live with that?

No, if she were honest with herself, no she could not live without those things from him at least some of the time. They were important, and she had tried to tell him that the day James Henry was kidnapped. But he had gotten those things drummed right out of him as a child, she could see that now. Ruth was right in what she had told him. And even he wasn't sure he could change, or even wanted to.

Is that what has made his phobia return, and made him unable to sleep? Or is it really that the subconscious attempt to return to his childhood's natural path has been too much for him? Can I help him see that there is a middle way? Oh God help us, she prayed.

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Martin awakened the next morning to a beautiful sunny Friday. He lay alone in the bed, missing Louisa. Missing James Henry. He found himself listening for the little sounds that would let him know that James was awake. He longed to smell the fragrances of Louisa's shampoo, her hand lotion, her perfume. Oh, he found that being alone in bed was very uncomfortable now.

He had slept much later than usual and he could hear Al talking on the phone downstairs. He walked over to the window and looked out. He could see that the wind was blowing a bit harder than was usual on such a clear day. He knew that the village would likely be teeming with tourists. Much as he despised having no work to do, no puzzle to put his mind to solving, he was glad for the quiet time today. He didn't really want to keep going with all of this - what was it - tour of his relationships and childhood, but it seemed that, once started, he could hardly stop.

He readied himself for the day and went downstairs. Al was just hanging up the phone. He looked up. "Mornin' Doc," he said. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, a bit too well, I think. I never sleep this long. I will pay for it all day I expect," Martin said. He could feel the beginnings of a headache. He began to fix some toast. "Would you like some toast, Al?" Martin asked.

"I ate earlier Doc. I'm good. Gotta get back to these phone calls," Al responded.

"Yes, I need to check on Louisa and then I am going for a walk," Martin said. "Later I will pick up James Henry and bring him back here."

"Sounds good Doc. Talk to you later then," Al said and picked up the phone again and began dialing.

Martin dialed Louisa's number on his phone. "Hello Louisa," he said quietly. "How are you feeling - did you sleep well?" he asked.

"Yes Martin I slept fine after finally going to sleep. My mind was whirring. But I feel okay. I did eat some breakfast," Louisa replied.

"Good. Well, I will be over soon to pick up James Henry. Is there anything you need from the store? I'll be glad to stop for you," Martin said.

"That's very kind Martin but, no, I think all is well here. The frig seems well stocked," Louisa said.

"Well, I am going for a walk. I will see you in a bit then," Martin said and rang off.

Martin went through and waved a good-bye to Al and began to take a walk down to where he used to go with Aunt Joan and watch the sailboats. It was a lovely spot, very quiet, and the solitude offered him the solace he craved. I cannot believe I slept so long, he thought. I haven't been able to sleep like that in weeks. All bodies eventually have to give in to sleep at some point, he remembered from school. They will reach a threshold and must shut down to rest. Not good that it had to happen like this.

Now, when did this insomnia start, he asked himself. Louisa keeps asking if it is her fault that my phobia is back and I can't sleep. I have to figure out what is making this happen so that I can give her some solid reason. I want one myself too, he thought. I think I have figured out that my sensitivity coming out was what caused the phobia the first time. What would have made that happen again, he asked himself. I was so sure I had it under control.

He paused and sat down, looking out over the restless sea. He had always loved this place when Aunt Joan was here with him, he remembered. He used to want to get into a boat and sail all the way to the horizon, and never have to return. Auntie Joan and Uncle Phil would come with him; they would never let him go by himself. And they would sail so far he would never have to leave them ever again. He would never have to go back to Mum and Dad. How many times did he have that particular daydream, he wondered. And how deeply guilty did he feel for thinking that way?

Should I have felt guilty, he wondered now. I suppose, he reasoned, being so young and treated what I now know was so poorly, it is only logical that I would have felt that way. Ruth had said he had almost shut down by the age of 6. He wouldn't remember the sailing daydreams much before that age so those must have come after he had given up being the boy he started out to be. I was always so miserable when I had to leave Auntie Joan. He remembered several times when he had been tempted to run somewhere out on the beach or into the village so that they could not find him and hopefully his Mum and Dad would finally leave. He knew, however, that there would be terrible punishments were he ever caught and so he had never tried, although once he did leave the house by the back way as his father was coming in the front. He went and hid behind the barn for about ten minutes until he heard Auntie Joan calling.

The phobia DID return not long after the wedding, but Louisa and James had been living in the surgery ever since the castle incident, as he thought of it now. So that couldn't be the reason for the phobia's return. Could it? How can I get rid of it again?


	16. Chapter 16

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thank you for continuing to read - reviews would be lovely. And to all of the guest reviewers, glad to have you on board!**

Chapter 16

Louisa was very pleased that Martin had called that morning. In truth, she had missed him beside her during the night. He was thoughtful in that he offered to go to the store for her. Unfortunately what she needed from him could not be bought in a store.

Morwenna was still in the office, taking calls and doing paperwork. The locum had called, made sure of the directions to reach Portwenn, and given her some things he wanted her to do for him today so that he was ready for patients first thing Monday morning. She looked up when the door opened and Pippa from the school came in. "Hi Mowenna," Pippa said. "Do you think I could see Louisa? She's home isn't she? Is the Doc around?"

Morwenna smiled and said, "No, the Doc isn't around but yes, Mrs. Ellingham is here. She is in the den there with James Henry. There is a nurse here, and she is in there too. I guess she would tell you if you shouldn't stay."

"Great. I'll just be a few minutes," Pippa said as she went through to the den.

"Pippa!" Louisa said with a smile as her friend entered. "Pippa this is my nurse, Mary. Mary, my friend and colleague Pippa."

"Hello," Mary said. "Mrs. Ellingham are you feeling okay? I can leave you two alone if you like."

"Yes, Mary, I feel fine right now. I can keep James in here. Feel free to make yourself some tea if you'd like," Louisa said.

"Thank you, I think I will," Mary said and left them to go into the kitchen.

"Hello you sweet little man," Pippa said to James Henry. He smiled at her and went back to playing with the truck he had on the floor.

"Louisa," Pippa said. "Thank God you are okay. You are, aren't you? I mean there are no more surgeries planned or anything?"

"No. No Pippa. I am fine," Louisa said. "Martin did the surgery and everything looks well."

"Where is he?" Pippa asked.

"Well, I don't want this all over the village, but Martin is staying out at the farm for a bit. Just so that we can think and have time to talk. He has hired the nurse to look after me. He wanted to do it himself but..." Louisa said nervously. She had a feeling she knew what was coming next. Pippa had never liked Martin and after what had happened on Sports Day...

"Louisa, look. I know that you are my boss and it really isn't my business, but I have known you a long time. And we were good friends even before you became the headmistress. I am worried about you." She paused for a long moment. "May I speak freely to you, as a friend?" Pippa asked. When Louisa nodded she continued, "I'm really sorry to have to say this, but nothing has been the same since you have been with the Doc, and especially since you married him. Louisa, I am just going to say it straight out. Everyone else is talking behind your back, but no one will say it to your face. Enough is enough! He almost got you killed this time for God's sake. You cannot stay with him. We know you don't want to divorce, but everyone knew it would come to this and what has happened has gone too far. We will help you Louisa but you have got to leave him," Pippa finished with tears in her eyes.

"Pippa, I know that no one understands what has happened." Then she spoke with a bitter edge to her voice, "And I am certainly not happy to hear that everyone 'knew it would come to this.' But if you are truly my friend, there are a few things you need to know. Number one is that I do not blame Martin for the accident. I am a grown woman. I should not have let my temper get away from me so much that I didn't heed basic traffic safety. Martin blames himself, but I do not blame him. Wait!" Louisa said as Pippa started to interrupt.

Louisa calmed a bit and said, "No one in this village knows what goes on between Martin and me except the two of us. I know that it may not make sense to anyone, but we have felt a strong pull toward each other since the first time we met. Martin has a lot of issues, but, in truth, so do I. This incident has caused both of us to stop in our tracks and think," Louisa said, pausing to catch a breath.

"Look Louisa," Pippa said, taking advantage of the pause. "I know what it is like to feel pulled toward a man. My first husband - even to this day I can think of him and...well, you know. But physical attraction is not the same as being able to live with and love someone. Martin Ellingham is an arse of the first degree, I have heard you say it yourself. Leave now, while James is still young. It won't be as harmful to him and if you are lucky, maybe the Doc will move away. You will find someone else and hopefully won't have to deal with him. I know I sound heartless toward him, but I can't stand to see you this way! God, look at yourself in the mirror Louisa! You're a mess. A total wreck. If you stay with him it will only get worse. I'm glad you have at least banished him to the farm," Pippa finished.

Louisa sat completely still. She looked over at James Henry. He caught her eye and grinned. The ways in which he looked like Martin seemed to jump out at her. His soft blond hair, that all-knowing stare he already seemed to have. If only Martin could catch the grin from his son somehow. She shook her head. "Pippa," she said. "I don't think we need to discuss this anymore. I appreciate your care for me, I really do. But I have not 'banished' Martin to the farm. In fact, he will be here shortly to pick up James so that I can have some rest. All that I can say, Pippa, is that my home life growing up consisted of a Mum who always ran away and two parents who never talked things out. Martin's childhood...well...that is his story to tell. But Pippa, I am not giving up yet. We have made promises. We both still love each other. We just have to see if we can figure out a way through, not around, the things that are happening. And I would appreciate your best wishes, not your surety that we will fail."

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As he continued to gaze out at the water, Martin remembered something else. Once he had come out to this spot with Auntie Joan. He knew that his father was coming to get him the following day. He had wet the bed the night before, and been very quiet the whole day. It was in the evening that he had been here with Joan and, for some reason, tears had come to his eyes as he looked out and had quickly wished that he could sail away. Tears didn't often come any more - he remembered that now - he was often just very quiet and tense in those later visits. Auntie Joan had asked him what was wrong, why he was crying, and he had told her that he didn't want to leave. He remembered telling her that he wanted to stay here in Portwenn forever with her and Uncle Phil. Auntie Joan had lifted his chin, wiped the tears from his cheeks and smiled. He remembered what she replied with perfect clarity now, although he hadn't thought about it for a long time. "Marty, when you get older and finish school, you _can _come here if you want, and stay as long as you want, even forever if you wish."

He remembered feeling so much better after hearing that and beginning to plan just how quickly he could get here when his last year of school was over. He could pack and take a train straight from boarding school and never go home again! Martin already wanted to be a doctor, but he trusted Auntie Joan. She would help him find a way.

But it was after that visit that his father had stopped him coming to Cornwall. He realized that now. That must have been the time his father had found out about Auntie Joan's affair and had stopped his visits. Oh God, was that it, he asked himself. He had finally felt some hope and knew there was an end to his misery in sight, although still a long way out. Then it had been grabbed away once more for a final, awful time.

Was it perhaps a return of the fear from that incident that had actually started the phobia both times? Just as love was in sight - love that would belong to him forever - something had come to ruin it. Then later in life, the first time the overwhelming fear of the loss of love - a patient he began to care for and her family's possible loss of their loved one - brought on the phobia. The emerging stress of having a family, a busy practice, and wanting constantly to connect and not quite knowing how - the fear that everything would be lost again - brought it on the second time. The sensitivity again. The insomnia then followed, probably as a result of a depression caused by the phobia's return.

Aunt Ruth had said that haemophobia most often has its roots in childhood trauma. Martin had been unable to recall any such trauma a few days ago when they had talked. Now however, he wondered if, after a good night's rest, he was finally teasing out the truth from all of these hints and clues. These memories had curled inside him, waiting, like some evil viper, to jump out and bite and he would never know quite what happened; all that was left was just to tend the wounds.

He remembered sitting at his table a few years ago when Slater had come to Portwenn and Aunt Joan told him about her affair. He was overcome that Joan had loved him so much that she gave up her relationship. He had remembered that night how he felt when he figured out he wasn't coming back to Cornwall. Now, though, the_ whole_ memory rushed back to his mind in vivid color. The time sitting with Auntie Joan and then the end of that visit. His father had argued with Auntie Joan in a low, threatening voice and not much later they had left for the train. His father had been very angry and had acted horribly to Martin on the way to London. Nothing Martin did was right. He didn't get the luggage into the compartment without scratching it. No, he could not go to the dirty bathroom on the train - hold it - how old are you! Show some backbone - sit up straight! Martin had looked out the train's window at the world rushing by and tried to remember what Auntie Joan had said, but something had told him even then, some instinct, that it would never happen. He wouldn't see Auntie Joan next summer. He didn't know how he knew, he just did.


	17. Chapter 17

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Reviews always appreciated. Thanks for reading!**

Chapter 17

At lunch time Al left the farm to check with Ruth about some of the things he had found out. There were some decisions which needed to be made quickly - big decisions - and he wanted to talk with Ruth in person. He had called her and they were going to meet at his Dad's restaurant to eat and to go over the items he needed to begin to tick off of his list.

When Al got to the restaurant, Ruth was not there yet. His dad came out of the kitchen. "Hey boy and how are you?" said Bert.

Doin' all right. Meetin' Ruth for lunch," Al said.

"Well, all right then. You can have a table here if you want," Bert said, pointing to a table close to the steps.

Al looked over and was surprised to see that Morwenna was there. He went over and asked if he could sit down. "Sure," Morwenna said. "What are you doing here?" they both said at the same time.

"You first," said Al.

"Mrs. Ellingham sent me. I think she just fancied something from here for lunch but didn't want to get dressed up to come herself. I decided to treat myself first and grab hers on the way back to the surgery. She said it was okay," Morwenna said.

"Yeah, well, that's good, I guess. I mean, that she's eating and all. Does she seem okay otherwise?" Al asked.

"Yes, she seems fine. Tires easily though. You should have heard what happened this mornin' though! I'm sure it exhausted her. Would have if it had been me," Morwenna continued.

"Out with it then," Al said.

"Well, I guess I shouldn't. The Doc would kill me, but it was...well...awful, I thought. Pippa, from the school you know, came by to visit. She went into the den with Mrs. Ellingham and the baby. Well, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop honest, but I couldn't help overhearing. Pippa told Louisa that she should leave the Doc. Called him an arse of the first degree or somethin' and said everyone knew he and Louisa were going to part anyway from the very beginning. Like I said, it was awful."

"Well, what did Louisa say then?" Al asked.

"She told Pippa that she didn't like people saying that, and that she and the Doc were gonna try to talk things out. She said that her Mum was always leavin' and her parents never talked. And then she said somethin' about the Doc's childhood and that bein' his story to tell. Wonder what she meant by that?" Morwenna finished by asking.

"Well," Al said, "Pauline did say that the Doc's parents were weird."

Morwenna replied, "Yeah well you can say that again, his Mum anyway."

"Pauline said that his Dad was a big flirt and that some terrible row happened when they were here. She never could figure it out but the Doc was all nervous and more of a prat than usual - her words," Al said. "Too bad Pippa told Louisa that people were saying that stuff. I mean, yeah, they were and still are, but she shouldn't have told Louiser, should she? I mean, I know the Doc is... well, he's a..."

"Tosser," Morwenna finished for him.

"Yeah, he's a tosser sometimes. But he's the best Doc anywhere. Everybody knows it. How many people has he saved just in the few years he has lived here? And how many people are way better off than they were with Dr. Sim? I mean he has sorted things that Dr. Sim didn't sort in years and years. Pauline's mum Dawn, ya know? How many years did she take medicine she didn't even need until the Doc figured out what was really goin' on? And Dad, well nobody has ever been honest with Dad like the Doc. Granted it does no good, but at least Dad can't say he hasn't been warned. And at least the Doc doesn't let him get away with the excuse of his back bein' hurt all the time like Doc Sim," Al said.

"Well, yeah, all of that's true, but he's so mean sometimes. Hollerin' and callin' people names. Course they are a right bunch of morons a lot of the time. Get mad at a lot of 'em myself. And usually if I just talk back to him, he takes it. Almost like he enjoys it. Well, maybe not enjoys, but at least he understands it. Like that's the only way he knows how to communicate," Morwenna said. "Mrs. Ellingham said that they still love each other and that she doesn't blame him for being hit by the car. She sounded like she meant it. I dunno. He IS a great Doc, but I don't see how they will ever be able to live together. I mean you can't fall in love with someone for being a great doctor can you?"

"Morwenna," Al said, "I have heard my Dad say many times that Louisa was amazing how she turned out the way she did after her Mum ran off and her Dad always gamblin' and stealin'. I reckon she just wants to do things different. Wants to try as hard as she can. I can't imagine the Doc sayin' 'I love you' to anyone, but evidently he does. Maybe this time, since things were SO bad, the accident and all, things really will change. Maybe the Doc will start tryin' harder. I mean, he does act all right once in a while."

"Well," Morwenna said, "he _did_ thank me yesterday and tell me I had done a good job. I almost had a heart attack. Maybe you're right. I guess if you make vows, you should try and keep 'em. Neither of us know much about it do we? With my parents dying while I was a teen and me living just with Granddad, and you with just your Dad since you were little. I guess we've no room to talk. And anyway, neither of us..."

"Yeah, Colin and Nefertari didn't even take a chance to _date_, did they?" Al asked. "Can't very well criticize people who are tryin' to stay married can we?"

"Guess not," said Morwenna.

The conversation stopped. Al saw Ruth at the top of the stairs. He knew time was running out. "Morwenna," he said, "let's go out, okay? I know I'm just Al, but let's give it a go. Meet me tonight at the pub and I'll buy dinner. It was silly, wasn't it, that we didn't talk before, at that place in Wadebridge?"

"Yeah, it was silly I guess. All right. Seven okay?" Morwenna asked.

"Seven," said Al.


	18. Chapter 18

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Would love to hear from you after this one. Realistic?**

Chapter 18

Martin had felt very odd going to the surgery to pick up James Henry. Only one night away and it already felt to him as if he and Louisa were formally separated. But when he arrived, he had kissed her cheek and she hadn't seemed to mind. He had consulted with the nurse and felt that she had things in hand. Louisa seemed tired, and her eyes were rimmed with red as if she had been crying, but she had smiled a bit and had been able to pack James' bag for the afternoon herself. Morwenna had been gone to get some supplies from Mrs. Tishell, and lunch for herself and Louisa when he arrived so he did not get to see her.

He had decided to take James Henry over to Ruth's for a bit if she was amenable to the idea. When he arrived, she invited them both in. "Martin, I don't really know what we can do with James here. There's not a lot for a baby to do and we certainly don't want him crying and bothering Mr. Moysey," she said.

"I know, Aunt Ruth," Martin replied. "Louisa has packed a bag for him and it has a few of his things. I only want to stay for a few minutes. I just wanted to tell you about something I remembered." Then Martin began to explain his memories about the time Aunt Joan had said he could come back to Portwenn forever and how his father had taken him back, been particularly horrible on the way, and never let him return until he was an adult. He said all of this as he put James Henry down on a blanket on the floor with some of his toys.

"You said that haemophobia often has its origin in a childhood trauma. I am wondering if this incident was the trauma in question. Certainly I had no memory of the whole episode, only parts of it, until this morning. And...I think that the phobia's return has sparked depression with resultant insomnia," Martin said. "This would surely explain everything."

"Yes, it would put everything into a neat package where you would like it to be Martin. And you may be right. I would have thought it might have been something that happened earlier but it's obvious that the memory had been buried very deeply. I would have expected you to remember the whole thing when this man Slater came here. The fact that you did not probably does mean it is a significant piece to the puzzle. So, it is certainly possible that if the phobia is addressed, the depression will disappear and the insomnia as well. However, I personally would recommend some medication, possibly a low dose of Alprazolam, in the mean time. It will take a long time for you to completely address this trauma and its aftermath Martin," Ruth said.

"God, no! Alprazolam - a narcotic! No! I can handle this on my own," Martin objected.

"But you have to get some rest Martin and, from all I saw myself when you were young and from what you are telling me today, anxiety has been your constant companion for years." She paused. "All right. Perhaps Alprazolam is not the best choice for you Martin. However, your unwillingness to accept help even after everything that has happened is unbelievable. Surely you must see that you can't do all of this on your own." Ruth said.

"Of course I see that I need help. I just don't want to use medications; certainly not a narcotic," Martin said.

"Martin you amaze me! You prescribe medications to patients all day long, every single day, and when your aunt who is a rather highly-regarded psychiatrist and who also happens to love you, recommends a prescription, you immediately refuse. Martin, if you remember, I told you that you were going to have to change. Are you going to try, or not?" Ruth asked.

"Of course I'm going to try." Martin paused and sat down by James Henry on the floor. Ruth raised her eyebrows at this. She was not used to seeing her nephew on the floor. "I just don't want to rely on medication. However, I will meet the gentleman you suggested in London if you wish, or someone else closer to Portwenn if you know of anyone. If he or she suggests the medication, I will take it, I promise. And Louisa and I have talked and want the name of a good therapist."

"So it's just that you don't trust _me_ about the medication," Ruth said with a twinkle in her eye that Martin couldn't see since his back was to her.

"No, it's not that. Oh, you know how I am! I have to have absolute certainty and although I know you are outstanding in your field, your field makes me nervous, as you well know. I would like to have another psychiatrist to concur before I start taking a potentially addictive drug," Martin finished.

Ruth shrugged. "Your choice Martin. I'm just glad you are willing to see someone. I will figure out someone who is closer to Portwenn and then he or she can probably make a recommendation of a therapist." She stooped down and laid her hand on Martin's shoulder. "I'm proud of you Martin. You're doing the right thing. Just make sure you are doing it for yourself, not just for Louisa and James. It will take every bit of energy you have got, and you have to be internally, not just externally, motivated."

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Martin drove back to the farm with James Henry getting fussy in the back. He was hungry and Martin warmed his food as soon as he could get into the kitchen. He fed James and then decided to sit down with him again and play. James babbled the entire time and Martin found himself getting irritated at the constant noise. At one point he looked over at James with a sigh and a rather loud groan and James began to cry. Little tears poured from the eyes of his precious boy and Martin was ashamed. Oh God, he thought. Help me. Look at what I've done.

He picked up James, put his head onto his shoulder and began to gently jiggle him up and down. "Shhh now James Henry. I'm sorry - Daddy is sorry. You are a wonderful precious boy." He rubbed James' back and continued to jiggle him. "I'm so sorry for everything James. I am going to try to be a better father to you. I am so thankful that you are healthy and your speech is developing and God knows you have wonderful lungs. Plump little legs, yes you are grand, cheeky man." The tears began to slow.

Martin stood up and began walking around as he sensed James becoming sleepy. Before he knew it, someone was humming and singing softly - "The grand old Duke of York, He had ten thousand men, He marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them..." He was singing to his son! Martin felt a happiness spread throughout his body at knowing that he was connecting with his son. His shoulders relaxed. He wondered for a moment how he had thought to sing but then realized he was unconsciously copying Louisa's behavior. He continued to walk with James Henry until he could feel the stillness and regular breathing that told him that his son was asleep.

Martin held James Henry carefully and climbed the stairs to the bedroom. He went to lay James down in his cot but paused. He finally decided to lay James down on the bed instead. He placed a pillow on the outside of James' body for safety and lay down himself on the other side, turned toward James. He watched James sleep as he had done several times during sleepless nights. Oh to be able to sleep like that; sweet surrender. Looking at his son, Martin recognized the features that were so like his own. Will he be like me in personality too? Will James be sensitive and vulnerable? What if he is? Will that be bad - Louisa didn't seem to think so.

Then something clicked into place in Martin's mind. The singing. He was copying Louisa. He needed to ask Louisa to write a list. A list was something he could understand. A list of things she does that will be good for me to do with and for James. He thought for a long moment. Was he mad? Another list too. A list of things that Louisa thought would help them to stay together. Maybe she would want a list too. From him. He remembered telling her on their honeymoon that she was being unfair. She agreed with one thing but really wanted another. He needed for her to be honest. Then perhaps they could come to a compromise on things. He also needed her to stop the running. Just stop it. It always came out of nowhere because she let things build up and then she blew up. Yes, they both needed a list. He began to picture a piece of paper in his mind as he fell asleep with one hand placed lightly on James Henry's stomach.

**Clarification: In this chapter, Martin refers to Alprazolam as a narcotic. In fact Alprazolam is a benzodiazepine and some refer to it as a narcotic and some use that classification only for opiates.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Doc Martin is owned by Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks for the reading and the reviews!**

**Clarification: In the last chapter Martin calls Alprazolam a narcotic. In fact, Alprazolam is a benzodiazepine and some refer to it as a narcotic and ****some use that classification only for opiates.**

Chapter 19

Louisa lay down after she ate the lunch Morwenna had brought for her. The nurse had checked Louisa over and pronounced her fine. Morwenna had certainly been in a very good mood when she got back from lunch. Louisa wondered what that was all about. Bert had walked up the hill with Morwenna just to say hello. Louisa knew about the upcoming wedding and asked him how the plans were coming along. Bert was unusually nonchalant and rather secretive. Wonder why he was like that, Louisa asked herself.

Oh well, not hers to bother about right now. She needed to rest. But she really couldn't believe Pippa! She was going to have to put up with that attitude she guessed, but she wished Pippa wouldn't have said all of that to her face. It hurt. She needed to get back to what she was thinking about earlier. It scared her that Martin couldn't seem to "get" those everyday things that she needed him to do. It also scared her that he might run or she might run. They needed a commitment to each other that there would be no running for _any_ reason.

How could she get Martin to understand what she needed. She had tried to tell him, hint, show him. Nothing seemed to work. She paused and laughed ruefully to herself. He needs a prescription - 'this is how to connect to Louisa - take five times per day.' Maybe if it was medical he would understand and be able to do it. She wondered if he had talked with Ruth yet about a therapist or if he would try to get away with not actually doing it. There had to be a third person. He had been awfully quiet when he came to pick up James, although he did check with the nurse and make sure that everything was all right with her health. And he did give her a kiss. On the cheek. But he was probably afraid to do more than that, she thought. I _have_ been awfully unhappy with him and have taken care to tell him all about it.

She suddenly remembered something that awful Edith had said about her once. Louisa was outside the surgery's kitchen listening to Martin talk to Edith. Edith had said that she, Louisa, was 'quite spiky.' Was she spiky? And just what had Edith meant by that comment? In truth, she guessed she would have to admit to being spiky during her pregnancy. She had told Martin once that she knew he wouldn't want to have anything to do with the baby. He had said that was an outrageous assumption. She remembered those exact words because he was so dreadfully angry.

After what she had learned that Ruth had said, and learning what Martin's mother was like, that was a horrible thing to have said to him, wasn't it? It was truly a wonder he had stayed with her, given up London and surgery, after she treated him so ghastly.

Maybe she needed to think a bit now about what Martin needed. Obviously, whether he realized it or not, all of the noise and chaos of family life was overwhelming to him. He was always turning off the radio and never liked the television on. He was constantly tidying behind her. Although that was rather nice sometimes. She just wished he would wait till later in the evening or something - not follow her around. He also didn't understand anything she said to him it seemed, unless it was complete logic. He never just had fun, unless he regarded his work on the clocks as fun. He was always so formal. He always wanted everything his way or he would complain and complain. Of course she wanted her way too.

So, what does this mean? She held up her good hand and started to tick off her thoughts on her fingers. He needs order, logic, a set schedule, privacy, and, for his own good, he needs to learn to relax. Somehow to have some fun. He doesn't realize it because he rarely had fun when he was little. Poor Martin. She had no idea when they married that things had been this bad for him. Tears began to form in her eyes. If she had a child in her classroom that acted the way he _must_ have acted, she would have had the parents in for a chat. And then what, she asked herself. If she did call parents like Martin's in, they would probably punish a child for it when they were back at home. He needs to learn to accept more physical signs of love. Not just in the bedroom. Martin was attentive in bed, when he ever did make love to her. Which was not very often.

She thought back to the night _after_ their "honeymoon". He had been very tired since neither had any sleep the night before, but he had stayed awake until she came to the bedroom. He had taken her hands in his and apologized for the awful night again. Then he had said, "I do love you, Mrs. Ellingham." Oh just thinking of it now made her smile. Made her feel... Then he had kissed her deeply, just the way he had kissed her on the first night they were ever together. The night James Henry was conceived, she thought. He had taken down her hair from its ponytail and run his hands through it. He had looked her in the eyes and she had felt herself grow weak just from his gaze.

After that he had laid down with her on the bed and explored every inch of her body. It did pay to be married to a surgeon, she remembered thinking. Now, she thought that perhaps it wasn't just his medical background; perhaps it was his sensitivity coming through. After he had driven her almost to the point of crying out, she had made him stop and she had taken over for a bit. She had run her hands through his soft lovely hair and kissed his mouth, his neck, his chest. She ran a finger down both his long, long legs. She held his large hands in her small ones and told him how much his gentle touch drove her wild. She had lain at his side and whispered to him about how much she cared for him. At one point, now that she thought about it, he had looked as though he might cry while she was talking. At the time she thought she had imagined it, but now she guessed not. He was probably somewhat overwhelmed. He made her breathless with his kisses and touches. When he would occasionally murmur her name in his silky voice she thought she was surely in heaven.

When he had at last made love to her thoroughly and completely, she had stayed in his arms for quite a while, just lying quietly with her arm across his chest. She had breathed a sigh of happiness. She paused now. She wanted to make love more often. She needed to tell him that. In fact, just thinking about that night made her wonder when her collar bone would be healed. Maybe some physical closeness would help them now.

But she couldn't see Martin being with her now. Not until they had talked more. And she knew that physical intimacy was no replacement for the intimacy of the soul, but would it help? Maybe.


	20. Chapter 20

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! You all are giving me a lovely Christmas season!**

Chapter 20

Martin's nap only lasted about an hour. He awakened with a start and was completely shocked that he had napped at all as this was not something he _ever_ did. His schedule for life was extremely rigid and he liked it like that. It was healthier to live that way he believed. But I guess I really am somewhat depressed, he thought, and my body certainly needs this rest.

He glanced over at James Henry. His son had barely moved. He had a slight pucker on his lips. Marvelous really, he thought. What if he had left for London as planned and never gotten to know this tiny boy? He would have missed so much. He will start walking soon, Martin realized. James had been pulling up at tables and chairs and moving a bit for a while now. It wouldn't be long and he would take the first step away from them. Martin so wanted to be able to watch that happen.

He got up with more energy than he had felt in a while and went to find paper. He wanted to make a list of questions that he should ask Louisa. He knew that the sooner he got started, the more he would remember to ask.

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Al continued to work back at the farm after his lunch meeting with Ruth. It had run long, so Martin had been in his room with the little guy when Al arrived back. Luckily, Al and Ruth had agreed on all of the big decisions so far. It gave Al a good feeling to finally be doing something that he felt was important with his life. And now he would get to see Morwenna tonight. After living in her home, he had gotten to like her so much more. She had been several years behind him in school so he hadn't really known her - just her name. Only one other Morwenna that he knew of in the village, in the world probably, was the lady who lived out on the moor and used all of those herbal remedies. He remembered her calling in to Caroline when everyone first found out about the Doc's phobia. Boy was the Doc mad! Al laughed to himself as he remembered.

Al finally decided to get a cup of tea in the late afternoon. He had been outside inspecting some things in the barn. He went up to his room before starting the tea to get some papers he needed and was surprised to find the Doc, sitting in a chair just inside his bedroom with the door propped open, writing furiously on a piece of paper. Al peeked in further and saw James Henry lying on the bed. Martin looked up, startled, as he saw Al.

"Hey Doc," Al whispered. "Little guy fall asleep on the bed yeah?" he asked.

Martin stood up, opened the door wider so that he could keep an eye on James, and came into the hallway. "Well, he...um...no actually. I decided to have a rest with him and so I didn't put him in the cot," Martin said. He could feel a blush coming on and was grateful that the light in the hallway was somewhat dim.

Al raised his brows slightly for just a second and then said, "Oh, yeah, okay. Well, I just came up to get something. I am going to have a cuppa. Want one? I could bring it up if you like."

Martin started to refuse but then changed his mind. "Yes, Al, I wouldn't mind that if it's no trouble," he said. "White, no sugar."

"Okay, Doc. No trouble. Good to have a break about this time of day, I think," Al said, and went downstairs.

When he came back, James Henry was waking up and Martin had started to change his nappy. Al came into the room and Martin instructed him to put the tea down on the small table beside the chair. Al was moving Martin's paper over to put down the tea and couldn't help but see the title Martin had scribbled across the top - Questions for Louisa. He saw that item number one was something about daily planning. He put the tea down and looked at the Doc. Now he felt a blush creep onto his cheeks because the Doc was staring straight at him.

"Find something interesting, Al?" the Doc said with anger in his voice.

Al raised his hands in front of himself. "Don't shout Doc. I couldn't help having to move the paper to put down the tea, could I?" he asked.

"No. I don't suppose you could. What you could have done, however, is keep yourself from reading someone's private papers!" Martin said in a raised voice.

"Sorry Doc. Sorry really. But can I say one thing before you start the real shouting?" Al asked.

"Yes," said Martin tersely.

"James Henry is weeing on your shirt," Al said.

Martin turned back around to face a grinning James Henry weeing and wiggling his legs happily. "Oh God!" he said, and immediately began to clean the mess.

As Martin continued to work Al said, "Doc, I know you're angry but I want to tell you that I for one hope that you and Louisa can patch everything up. That Pippa shouldn't have talked to Louisa the way she did this mornin' - oops," Al finished quietly.

"Al," Martin said, "I have no idea what you are talking about. What does Pippa have to do with anything?"

"Forget I said anything, okay Doc?" Al begged.

"No I will not forget," said Martin as he finished tidying James Henry. He picked up the baby, motioned for Al to get the tea and follow him downstairs. Martin began to talk again as he descended. "Has someone said something to Louisa that I need to know about, and how do you know about it?" Martin asked as they got to the kitchen.

Al tried to do some quick thinking while he made his own tea. "Um, well, I, um,... someone told me when I was down in the village that Pippa had been up to see Louisa and the conversation wasn't so nice. Can't remember who told me, talked to a lot of people today ya know, and that's about all I know," Al said, stringing all of his words together and speaking rather quickly.

Martin raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "And just what did Morwenna hear Pippa say?" Martin asked.

"Who said anything about Morwenner?" Al asked.

"Just tell me Al. I'm not going to fire her for doing what every other idio..._person_ in this village does. She's the best receptionist I've had yet," Martin said, then to himself he added - not that that is saying much. "What did Pippa say?" Martin repeated.

"Oh Doc," Al practically whined.

"Al, this may be important to the future of my marriage. You said you wanted things to work out. I appreciate that, so tell me!" Martin said.

"She just said something about you being an...arse, and that Louisa should leave you," Al said quietly.

"And did Morwenna hear anything else?" Martin asked while holding his breath.

"Louiser said that she loved you and you loved her and you were trying to talk things out," Al said.

Martin exhaled. Thank God, he thought. Even after all of that she is _still_ taking up for me. I can hardly believe it. "Thank you Al," Martin answered. "And before you say anything else - don't be ridiculous. Of course I won't tell Morwenna or Louisa I know about this." I can't believe it, he thought to himself. Now I have really been living here too long. I'm gossiping!

Al visibly relaxed. "Thanks Doc," he said and smiled. "I don't know how you will do it, because obviously I'm no ladies man, but I reckon you can hold on if she's takin' up for you like that." He paused. "Speaking of bein' a ladies man, I am...well...I'm takin' Morwenna out tonight. Shouid I bring flowers or is that too much for a first date do you think?" Al asked.

"How should I know?" Martin answered.

**:) :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 21

Since James Henry was awake, Martin decided it was time to go ahead and take him back to Louisa. He really would have liked to hold his son a while longer, because he was discovering that doing so was calming to him _and_ the baby. He found that when he paid closer attention to James, the little sounds he made and different ways he moved his mouth were so endearing. James' soft skin, bright eyes, and toothy grin were amazing, especially if he, Martin, made very direct eye contact. But, he wanted to see Louisa also and make sure she was feeling well so he packed up the bag and set off.

As he drove the Lexus into the village, Martin noticed that James Henry seemed to enjoy riding. He could tell from quick glances into his rear view mirror that his son was staring around at the inside of the car, and chewing on one of the toys that Aunt Ruth had bought him from the mother/baby shop in Truro. The car's motion seemed to be soothing, as Martin knew it was for many infants. He remembered back to one morning when James had awakened very early and he nor Louisa could get him back to sleep. Martin had finally given up, taken James and put him in the car and driven out to a quiet spot on the moor.

James Henry had finally fallen asleep again during the ride. When Martin had pulled off of the road he had been so tired that he had decided to just stay put and not drive back. This had proven to be a mistake as it was only about a half an hour later that a farmer had come by, blown a very odd horn, and awakened them both. Maddening! But when he bid James Henry good morning, he remembered that he had felt good knowing that he was willing to go to such a length for his son. He very much doubted that his own father would have done the same. In fact, he distinctly remembered being left to cry himself to sleep many nights. Why would an infant have been treated any differently by such parents as he'd had?

When he arrived back at the surgery, Morwenna was flipping through a magazine. "Hiya Doc," she said. "I think Mrs. Ellingham might be sleepin'. The nurse is there in the kitchen. She just came down a little while ago. I've rearranged all your appointments. I think the locum is gonna have two easy weeks. Most people wanted to put off their appointments until you came back," Morwenna continued.

Martin thanked Morwenna briefly and, still holding James, walked into the kitchen to talk with the nurse. As he went through he thought about what Morwenna said and was surprised. He had figured that after Louisa's accident he would have few patients left, but maybe Pippa was spreading the word that Louisa was sticking with him, at least for now. Probably all wanting more gossip for the grapevine - oh well. When he saw Mary, Martin spouted questions as quickly as he could and was pleased to hear that Louisa seemed to be doing well and was in capable hands. Still, he knew it would likely be at least 6 weeks, if not more, until her collarbone completely healed. The procedure he had performed would have to be monitored over the next several months to ensure that the AVM was completely secured.

He asked how long she had been resting and found that she had been in the bedroom for quite a while. He asked if Mary would watch James Henry momentarily as he went to peek in on Louisa. She readily agreed as she loved babies. Martin quickly but quietly climbed the stairs toward the bedroom. He slowly opened the door, hoping that it would not squeak. Oh Louisa. She lay stretched out on the bed with only the sheet covering her.

She was wearing a white nightgown she had purchased in Truro before they had married. It had a matching dressing gown and it must have been lying unnoticed on the pillow when she lay down. It had gathered around her head and looked almost like a bride's veil. Martin was suddenly taken back in his mind to the day of their wedding. He had, truthfully, been frightened to death. He could recognize it now. Frightened that he would not be a good husband. Frightened that she would not show up. Frightened that, even if she did, she would realize her mistake and leave him at the altar.

He vividly recalled the moment he walked to the rear of the sanctuary, not really expecting to see her, and there she stood. Ahh. She was beautiful. The light behind her veil made her appear lit from within. But then she often seemed that way to him - lit with some heaven-sent brightness. He remembered looking at her. Feeling a rush of excitement then calm, knowing she was finally there, and not looking as if she had any intention of running away. He remembered having a strange feeling as he looked at her. What was it?

He gasped.

Louisa opened her eyes and smiled to see him standing there. Then she focused completely and she gasped too.

"I just sorted something important," Louisa said at the same time that Martin said, "I've figured something out!"


	22. Chapter 22

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Huge thanks to abbybuk! You know why.**

Chapter 22

**New Year's Eve, about 17 months later.**

Louisa smiled as she closed the door behind Bert and Jennifer Large. They were the last of the guests that she and Martin had invited to a New Year's Eve party. As it was one of several parties in the village that night, they had planned theirs early, served some fairly healthy snacks and sparkling cider rather than the champagne that would be offered at other gatherings. Louisa and Martin had been invited to some of the other parties but had elected to stay home with James Henry.

Martin was in the den, lighting candles and turning off most of the lights in the house. Louisa smiled again as she walked in and sat down on the couch with him. She pulled off her shoes and began to rub her feet. "May I?" Martin asked.

"You may," Louisa returned with a smile and bringing her feet up between them for Martin to rub. "You'll surely need a good hand-washing after this won't you?" Louisa teased him.

"I will gladly wash my hands if I can give you this pleasure Louisa," Martin said rather seriously.

"Oh, don't go all serious and sad on me now. You actually had a smile on your face a few moments ago as you watched Al and Morwenna. I saw it so don't bother denying it," Louisa said.

"Yes well I suspect that the new year will find Al Large finally marrying one of my receptionists," Martin said. "I guess his taking flowers to her on their first date turned out to be the right thing after all," Martin said with a small chuckle.

"And how do you know he took her flowers on their first date?" Louisa asked, wide-eyed.

"He asked my advice, if I remember correctly," Martin answered.

"Really? And you advised him to take flowers did you?" Louisa asked with skepticism in her voice.

"Actually no. I told him I didn't know if he should or not," Martin replied.

"That sounds like my Martin," Louisa laughed and pulled her feet from the lovely massage so that she could get closer and run her hands through Martin's slightly longer, and now blonde, hair. "You know I'm glad you let your hair grow just a bit and now the blonde has come out. It just makes it even more evident how much your son looks like you."

"Well, I certainly like the attention it gets from you," Martin said, "and I just figured if I was going to admit I didn't mind being a GP, there was no need to keep it cut like I used to for surgery."

"It's been quite a year and a half hasn't it?" Louisa sighed.

"Year and a half?" Martin asked.

"Well, about a year and a half since you performed my surgery," Louisa said. She always referred back to that time as the time of her surgery, not the time after the car accident, both because it scared her to think of it and because she knew Martin could never forgive himself for that day. "We've been through a lot, but it's been worth it, don't you agree?" Louisa asked.

"Yes I do Mrs. Ellingham," Martin said.

Louisa smiled. "I still love it when you call me Mrs. Ellingham. You do that a lot you know. Why is that, do you think?"

Martin sat silently beside her then placed his hand on hers and looked into her eyes. "Because I am so very grateful that you _are _Mrs. Ellingham, that you chose me, and because it helps to remind me of that; that I actually am someone's choice, not just an unwanted afterthought," he said.

"Oh," Louisa said quietly. "Quite a speech. Well, it is great that it works both ways. I love it too, both because it means I am_ your_ choice, and that we have made promises that bind us, truly bind us." Louisa paused for a moment. "What is it that Abby said?" Louisa asked.

"To what are you referring? Abby has said a great many things to us over these past months. Therapists tend to do that, along with all of their listening," Martin said.

"I think it was when we were both doing work on mindfulness. She was helping us to continue to be consciously aware of the thoughts we harbor that pull us down. You said that you had realized that your Aunt Ruth was right, that you really did feel undeserving. So being someone's choice was new for you. I always had a similar feeling - that Mum really left because of me, so I was not my own mother's choice either. I believe Abby encouraged us to focus on the fact that we_ are _each other's choice. So I guess those words - Mrs. Ellingham - will always be important to us, hmm?" Louisa finished.

"Yes, I guess they will," Martin said, pulling her closer. He looked her in the eyes and began to run his hands through her hair. She was so beautiful in the flickering candlelight. He leaned closer and kissed her softly.

Louisa returned the kiss and then pulled back and smiled. "Martin, who in this village would have ever believed that they could come into this surgery, to a party with us as host and hostess, and have a great time? But I think everyone did. Thank you for doing this for me. I know parties still aren't really your thing, but you did seem okay tonight - were you?" she asked.

"Yes, I was. I think that all of the work we have done, and the medications I took to help relieve my depression, have really helped me to enjoy others more, and since I am not so self critical, I am not so critical of others. These people still drive me mad sometimes, but I am slowly learning to enjoy them. Despite his shortcomings, Bert is humorous - mostly for reasons even he doesn't realize. Al and Morwenna are wonderful young people and I think even Pippa is learning to like me just a little."

Louisa smiled. "You have come such a long way. I hope that I have too. There's more work to do, I know, but at least we don't have to see Abby every week now. That drive into Truro was getting old, wasn't it?" she asked.

"Yes it was and now the _night_ is getting old. Please come here Mrs. Ellingham so that I can fulfill one of the things that you wrote on your prescription to me all those months ago," Martin said. He pulled Louisa closer again and began to kiss her more deeply. "Oh, Louisa," he whispered in her ear. "Let's go upstairs and leave the clean up for tomorrow."

"Yes, Dr. Ellingham. I think that is a very 'useful' idea." Louisa said.

Martin grabbed Louisa's hand and they began to walk up the stairs. Just as they reached the top, James Henry let out a sharp cry!

**More to come, but for today, I have to stop and thank all of you readers, reviewers, and PMers. You have been the brightest spot in a year that held a bit more than its share of sadness. I will never be able to thank all of you enough and I wanted to finish this chapter to say Happy New Year to all of you!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Chapter 23

"Great," Louisa said. Just when things looked so promising, she thought to herself. "Let me check on him; maybe he had a bad dream or has a tummy ache," she said. "Be right back, I hope," she said as she smiled ruefully at Martin.

"Right," Martin said with a sigh. He went into their room and decided to just lie down on the bed. He took off his shoes first, but left his clothes on because he had ideas in mind for Louisa. Ideas that involved the removal of clothing! I hope James falls back asleep quickly, he thought. As he continued to listen, he got a bad feeling. James Henry seemed very fussy. Perhaps he is getting ill, he thought, and got up to check.

He walked into the room and saw that Louisa was holding James as he cried and cried. She was attempting to soothe him but great tears slid down his face and onto her jumper. Martin walked over and immediately felt of his forehead. Cool. "What do you think this is about?" Louisa asked. "I can't tell what is wrong."

"I'm not sure. He feels fine, not feverish. Did he eat anything unusual this evening?" Martin asked.

"No, I'm not aware of anything. Oh well, he has done this a few times before when he gets off his regular schedule. We should have put him to bed at his regular time, I guess, rather than let him stay up at the party a bit," Louisa said.

"Yes, perhaps he gets that from me. I much prefer a schedule, as you well know," Martin said with some regret in his voice, "and I think I always have, even as a child. We will have to keep it in mind in the future."

"I guess you are right. It's interesting though. I wouldn't have thought that forty-five minutes or so would have made that much difference," Louisa said.

"Well, it _was_ only forty-five minutes, but it was a different and very busy forty-five minutes and he was probably over-stimulated," Martin said. "Shall I take him and try to rock him?"

Louisa smiled up at him. "That's nice Martin but no, I'll try first and then you can relieve me if it continues too long. You go along and lie down."

"If you are sure?" Martin asked.

Louisa nodded so Martin left the room and the crying, which had not really abated during their conversation. He went back to the room, shrugged his shoulders and went to brush his teeth. He put on a pair of his blue pyjamas and sat down on the bed. He looked down at his nightstand and saw his journal. Martin Ellingham's journal. He would never have believed he would have a journal a few years ago. Abby, the therapist that he and Louisa had been working with, had suggested that frequent writing in a journal might help him with his myriad of challenges. He thought about the party tonight and questioned whether this would be a good time to add to his writing.

Maybe it would be a good idea. He put his pillow up against the headboard, picked up his book and pen, and slid back to start thinking. James Henry's crying was slightly less and he heard the creak of the rocking chair on the floor in his son's room. What had happened tonight that was significant, he asked himself. Well, giving a party at all was significant for him. He put pen to paper and began to write.

December 31 - Tonight Louisa and I hosted a party for New Year's Eve. When Louisa first suggested the idea my immediate internal response was NO, NO, NO! But I tried to be aware of the sensations in my body to help figure out my intense reaction. I noticed that my shoulders and abdomen had tensed. My hands were clenched into fists so I knew that I was feeling deeply upset. Why, I asked myself. I surely hated parties. Always had but I knew Louisa loved parties and I had made a goal for myself to be more social because it was important to her sense of well-being. Abby also thought that as I began to be more sure of being wanted, I would begin to be easier on others.

I think she is right. I have to say it to myself several times a day, every day, but when I remind myself that Louisa has chosen me, not because she had to, but because she "quite likes the way I am," I feel a lightness in my body. In my soul. When Bert and Jennifer came in tonight, the first thing that both of them did, after saying hello to everyone, was to head to the snacks. While Louisa and I had made every effort to make things healthy, I know from being their physician that neither of them needed to eat anything that was on our table. They remarked about what a wonderful supper they had already had since they closed the restaurant tonight. There was a part of me that was so tempted to call them both idiots but I have learned, through all of this looking at my own self, that we all have demons that drive us. Some of us eat too much, some of us push everyone away, some of us run. These behaviors are in all of us, to some extent, and unless I want to be relentless toward myself, I cannot and must not be relentless to others.

Al and Morwenna were here as well. They are fortunate, I think. They have both had losses like Louisa and I, but have had others to step in and take care of them, and nurture them the way we hope to nurture James Henry. It shows in their relationship. There is an ease between them that I think Louisa and I have been developing, but Al and Morwenna already seem to possess in great measure. It seems strange to say, but it is helpful for me to watch them at times. Even though they aren't married yet, they take care of each other and value each other. The richness of that seems written on their faces.

Pippa and her brood were here as well. Pippa has disliked me for so long, and probably with good reason. She has seen a lot of the damage my behaviors have caused. But one more reason I love Louisa is that she has stuck with me and tried, without revealing confidences, to help Pippa see the goodness in me. The goodness that I didn't know existed. I had grown so used to insults and striking back or striking first that I didn't realize the good inside. I am so thankful that Louisa has seen it. Abby too. She has seen it and helped me to see it.

So I am trying to be particularly polite to Louisa's friends who don't believe I have really changed. I understand that now. I still harbor a lot of negative beliefs about myself and when those gain my attention, my behavior falls back quickly into my old patterns. Some days it really tires me physically to continue therapy but I know I must. I cannot and will not lose Louisa. She, and now James Henry, are the best things that have ever happened to me and sometimes I still have dreams that they are just out of my reach and they float away and I wake up with tears running down my face.

Pippa did try to talk with me for a moment tonight which was a change. She normally ignores me if I am in the room. Tonight, though, she asked one of her children to come and thank me for helping with a bad strep throat two weeks ago. Being a physician has been so important to me for as long as I can remember and it is one of the few things that I feel good about so I was able to muster up a smile of sorts and I could see that Pippa visibly relaxed. Paying attention to my own body's signals has made it easier for me to notice them in others. I have always been able to easily read medical cues, but not always social ones. Abby has surely helped me with that. "Pay attention to yourself Martin! You must if you want to be well!"

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As Martin wrote these last lines he suddenly realized that James Henry had stopped crying and now only the rocking could be heard. He went to look into James' room to see if Louisa had fallen asleep in the chair but found her stroking James' face as the tears dried on his cheeks. He whispered to her and she held up a finger to signal him to wait a moment. Then she stood up and put James back into his cot. They walked out into the hall.

Louisa frowned. "You put on your pyjamas already," she said with mock sadness.

"I had almost given up. You can take them off though... if you want," he said in a serious voice.


	24. Chapter 24

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thank you to all for the New Year greetings. Love to hear from you - keep it coming!**

**Thanks again to abbybuk. Also to waxwings2**

Chapter 24

"So I may take them off, may I?" Louisa asked Martin in the low voice she used when she wanted to make love.

"Yes you may, but only if I may remove your clothing as well," Martin said.

"That sounds only fair," Louisa said, teasingly. She backed Martin into their bedroom and began to unbutton his pyjamas. "You know, I really need to just get you some silky boxers for bed Martin," she said.

"I'm not sure how comfortable that would be really," Martin replied.

"It wouldn't matter. I wouldn't leave them on long enough for you to care," she said with a seductive smile.

"Is that so?" Martin asked, beginning to breathe sharply as she playfully removed his pyjama bottoms and boxers. "Your turn," he said to her. He carefully pulled up her jumper and then removed her short skirt. "May I say, Mrs. Ellingham, that you looked remarkable in this outfit tonight? Have I told you today that I think you are beautiful?"

"Oh, I don't think so, but this will do, Doctor," she said.

Louisa stood before him in her lingerie and he put his right hand under her chin. He lifted it for a kiss. They kissed each other deeply, standing quietly in the moonlight. Louisa felt herself go weak and Martin knew just what to do. He put his arms around her small waist and brought her as close as he could. He could feel the satiny fabric of her lingerie and her ready body just beneath. He began to unfasten her bra and she helped him as he took off the rest of her clothing, kissing and touching the entire time.

Suddenly Louisa was overwhelmed with her love and desire for this man who worked so hard to make their relationship work. His sensitive, vulnerable side was so attractive to her and she saw, and felt, so much more of it now. She kissed him still more deeply, their tongues entwining. "Oh, Martin, I love you so much. Do you know how much?" she whispered.

"Ah Louisa, ...oh, that is just right," Martin said as she began to run her fingers through his hair and then up and down his back. He loved the feel of her nails touching him, just gently up and down his spine. He felt himself relax into her even more. He suddenly reached around and picked her up, ready to lay her on the bed. Her eyes opened wide as he had not often done this. She smiled. Martin smiled too. He drew her close and rubbed noses with her and she giggled.

"What has come over you, Dr. Ellingham?" she asked.

He lay her down on the bed without taking the time to turn back the bedclothes, a rarity for the meticulous Martin. "I saw you do this to James earlier today and filed it away in my 'brilliant brain' as you call it," he said.

"Well, you are just full of surprises aren't you?" Louisa said.

Suddenly Martin got a wary look on his face. "Is that all right?" he asked.

Louisa puckered her lips seriously and then widened them into a smile. She lifted herself up to give Martin a kiss. "Of course it's all right. I love it. I love surprises like that. Now, finish what you have started please," she said seductively.

Louisa lay back down on the pillows and Martin began to touch her. Ooh, he made her feel so..."oh Martin, how do you do this to me?" she whispered.

"I just pay attention to you Louisa. Close attention," he mumbled as he began to trail kisses down her chest. She turned toward him and he pulled her as close as he could. "Oh Louisa," he groaned as he lifted his hand to her breast. He rubbed and kissed, and then gently nipped at her, holding her in just the way that he knew she liked. He liked it as well. Oh yes.

"Martin please, now, ...oh won't you please?" she asked. He moved to love her completely, murmuring her name and continuing to touch and kiss her in all of the places where he knew she was most sensitive. He slowed down despite her pleas, to prolong these lovely moments - he knew she wouldn't mind. He knew her now. As they at last moved in their own intricate rhythm, Louisa felt transported to another place entirely - a place of excitement and heat. A blaze that was so hot she felt herself burst into a thousand tiny pieces.

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Later, Louisa lay staring at the ceiling with Martin's arm across her, just under her breasts. She felt so soothed, so calm - cradled really. Cradled and surrounded by love. "Perfect love casts out fear." She remembered seeing the ancient verse in the hallway outside Abby's office. A wise saying, she now knew. So much fear was slowly being pushed away by love.

She turned to face Martin. "Thank you, Martin, for...just for everything. You make me feel at peace when you are with me like this." She leaned over and gave him a light kiss. Then she turned back around and looked out of the window. She thought about another conversation, not quite so peaceful, many months ago in this same bedroom. Martin had walked in and she had awakened. Immediately something clicked in her brain. He had sat down on the bed. She had said, "Thank God I woke up to see you."

Martin had nodded. "Yes," he had said. "And thank God you fell asleep with that dressing gown behind your head. It looked so much like your veil. It brought our wedding day right back."

"Yes," she had blurted out, "and a moment ago you looked exactly as I remembered you looking when I was standing in the church doorway. I remember you took a deep breath and your broad shoulders lifted and fell. Your were... oh...it was wonderful and terrible. You looked amazed and afraid and happy - you looked just like a little boy. You swallowed hard, and it was like you were trying to swallow all of your feelings. It only lasted for a moment and later I decided I had imagined it. But it was YOU, Martin. The real you. The one I have always loved and the one who was trying to find his true path."

Martin had paused for a moment and then said, "Yes, I remember it too. I remember my feelings. I couldn't have named them at the time, but now I can. I _was_ afraid. You were there and I was so happy, but you might go and I couldn't bear it. I would do something wrong to make you go. I was terrified, and I was terrified of_ being_ terrified. Even as you walked down the aisle I tried to keep hold of myself because I was so afraid you would turn back around. It was ridiculous," he had said and shook his head.

Louisa had lifted her hand and turned him to face her. "No Martin. It wasn't ridiculous at all. We were both scared. We were scared of shadows within us of things that had happened long ago. We had tried to keep them hidden from each other and from ourselves. Now we have begun to pull them out into the light of mid-day and they are beginning to disappear, just as real shadows do. The fear is being crowded out by bright love," she had said.

Martin had then continued, "I remember staring at you from across the room at the reception. You looked so beautiful. Like a ray of light come to life. Holding James Henry. I just knew I'd...well, I couldn't believe it. I think the vulnerability started again that very day. It took weeks to really catch hold, but it was too much. Too much for me to contain. It was too much like Auntie Joan's promise."

Then Martin had told her the whole story. That had been the real beginning of their coming together. The real start of "therapy."

Martin touched Louisa's shoulder and she pulled herself back into the present. She turned back around toward him. "Thank you for everything too," he said. "I still can't believe we are together sometimes, that I really do have a wife. But I'm reminding myself each day. I haven't told you, but I find that I twist my ring. I started doing it without realizing but now I twist it purposefully, to help me to think of you and to believe that I can get through, no, that _we _can get through all of this therapy and be whole. And unafraid."

"Speaking of that reception," Louisa said playfully to break the mounting tension, "I don't think I ever got to finish that dance with my elegant husband, did I?"

"No you did not," Martin said. "We shall have to remedy that. Tomorrow, for New Year's Day?"

"Yes."

T**hank you, Martin Clunes for the brilliant acting, and for sharing yourself with all of us. **


	25. Chapter 25

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks again to abbybuk.**

**Love some more reviews!**

Chapter 25

The next day being New Year's Day, Martin and Louisa were home with James Henry. They enjoyed a rather lazy morning, although Martin did some laundry and tidied some things around the house that had been bothering him for several days. This was one small thing that used to become large that had required careful negotiation with Louisa, and some help from their therapist. Louisa's ideas of tidy and Martin's were very different. Each had given in on some issues and both tried to respect the other and generally it worked very well, although Martin, from time to time, would get very anxious about certain things and just _have_ to tidy up. Louisa had learned to go and do something else and not watch so that she would not get upset. After all, the organization always helped her in the long run.

When James Henry lay down for an afternoon nap, Louisa decided to pull out a novel she had been trying to read, and Martin went into the consulting room for some time alone and to work on a clock. He gave Louisa a kiss on the cheek before he left her on the couch, and she pinched his bum when he turned around, which earned her a growl. She giggled and focused on her book as Martin walked away shaking his head.

While Martin was getting out the clock, opening it up, and rolling out his tools, he began to reflect on the fact that this was indeed a new year. Amazing, now that he had a child, how fast time went by. James Henry would be in school before he knew it; he realized that. And while that would make some things easier, he wanted to enjoy the time he had with his son as a little one. Abby had helped him to realize, much more so than anything at medical school, just how important this time of life was for James' future development.

After working with he and Louisa for weeks to develop trust between the three of them, Abby had taken her time to discuss certain aspects of child development with them both. Obviously they both had certain types of training in that area, but having never had a child of their own, had known these things "in their heads" but not "in their hearts." If so, they would probably have recognized some of the harm from their own childhoods long before they finally did.

Following this, Abby had worked with both, but especially Martin, on the mindfulness issue. This was especially hard for Martin, as he spent so much time "in his own head," and to be mindful he had to really work hard to observe his thoughts, emotions and body sensations without judgment. He found observing emotions particularly difficult because it took him so long just to name them. He might be able to tell that his body was feeling different than it had an hour ago, but then to figure out what he was feeling that likely caused his body to change was almost impossible at times. For someone used to being one of, if not _the_ most intelligent person in a group, this was humblng for him. He had finally had to make a list for himself of things he frequently felt, and consult it when he was having a hard time naming an emotion.

Martin remembered one day when Bert had come into the surgery about his back. This had happened so frequently that it drove Martin mad. When Bert came in and started talking, Martin, who had been trying to practice being mindful for about two months, noticed that he was tensing up, his mouth was grimacing and he was gritting his teeth together. His breathing was changing too. He knew that the next thing was that he was likely to begin yelling, calling Bert names and telling him to get out.

That day, however, thanks to the mindfulness, he was able to slow his breathing, stop grinding his teeth and think. Was there anything he could say to Bert that would help him? Not likely. He could, however, show the man some kindness and send him on his way with something positive to think about. So Doctor Martin Ellingham, much to Bert's surprise, had merely listened, nodding his head once in a while, examined his back a bit and offered some physical things to try that might help. He told Bert that he hoped he had a very nice day and to take things easy, but keep moving whenever he had a chance.

Bert was so astonished that his mouth dropped open. Martin just waited on him and said nothing. At last Bert closed his mouth, held out his hand to shake, and walked out, thanking the Doc for his time. Martin knew that he didn't help Bert really, but just listening seemed as good as yelling at him and at least he, Martin, didn't feel that he was going "round the twist" as the teenagers said, after Bert left. He was calm for the next patient.

With Louisa, Martin saw the biggest change when he was particularly mindful. He had begun to notice, not long after the therapy had started, that he tensed up so much if she began to get angry. When she would even start to raise her voice, which she did very quicky, he could feel himself beginning to stiffen. So, with advice from Abby, Martin would ask Louisa how angry she really was, tell her that he was tensing up, and usually this had the effect of reminding her to be mindful as well. She would then attempt to soften her voice, tell him the level of her anger - which usually wasn't very much after she thought about it - and they could then just talk about the issue. Or, if she was really angry, they would try to calm down and take a moment to remind each other that no one was going anywhere, and that they _could_ find a compromise. Then they would begin to talk until they did, in fact, find one.

It was amazing to realize that the fear of being left, or left out, drove so much of their anger at each other. Being neglected had taken such a toll on both of them and now that they could interrupt that cycle that led to the fear getting too intense, their relationship was so much easier.

These things took a toll on Martin's available time however. He had begun early on to take an anti-depressant medication along with a low dose of a benzodiazepine under the supervision of a psychiatrist in Truro whom Aunt Ruth's colleague suggested. The medications along with the therapy requirements took up a lot of energy, especially at first, but gradually the depression had begun to lift and he had begun to sleep normally. Sleeping and treating his underlying depression made Martin a much easier person to live with, Louisa had noticed after about 4 weeks. Later he had gotten to a point that he could taper down and off of the benzo and was now on a much lower dose of the anti-depressant. He did not like relying on medications but Ruth had asked him, as she had asked countless numbers of other patients, if he had diabetes, he would surely take insulin, wouldn't he?

So, now Martin took time for himself like this when he could. He and Louisa both found that a bit of time alone was restorative after their intense efforts. They could then get back together and feel refreshed. This had made a great deal of difference in Louisa's "prescription" which she had indeed written for Martin. Her first item, "make love more often," had been a wonderful dose of joy into two lives that had not had much joy before, though neither one could take this dose 5 times per day, Martin chuckled to himself.

Martin finished rolling out his tools and got to work on his clock. James Henry would awaken soon and he wanted to have that dance with Louisa at some point today. He had promised.


	26. Chapter 26

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**In addition to abbybuk, i need to thank the DocMartinLovers blog folks for some of the ideas in this chapter!**

Chapter 26

While Martin was working on his clock, Louisa was trying to read. She was trying to get interested in a romance novel - "fluff", as Jennifer Large would say. Jennifer had gotten Louisa to buy the book during the time when she was working in the chemist's shop and Louisa had gone in asking for more help to sleep after the lavender oil fiasco. It had been a long time, but Louisa had never gotten to read the book what with the pressures of work and baby, injury and stress, and now therapy taking up so much of her time. Louisa used to love to read and missed it, but the love story could not quite capture her attention this day.

Her mind began to drift, as it often did when she had a few moments of quiet, to her marriage and the last eighteen months or so. Things had changed so much since the surgery. Thankfully. She had been in a mental and spiritual place of anguish back then and thank God, Martin had finally admitted things needed to change. He had worked so hard. She had too, but she realized it had been even harder for Martin. Overcoming his childhood walls was like a constant mountain climb for both of them.

They had both learned a lot, about themselves and about each other. Louisa had really had to face her own demons. She truly couldn't say, even now, what she had been - maybe still was - afraid of most: that she would leave again or that she would be left behind. In addition to her "running thing" as she thought of it, she knew that her quick fuse was probably one of the worst things a man like Martin could have to deal with and she often wished it wasn't part of her personality. But, she knew now that it was probably just part of her nature and could only be managed, not completely removed.

Abby had spent time with them both exploring and explaining some of the new theories and developments in neuropsychology. Of course Martin had taken it upon himself to learn even more and would often stay up late after they had a therapy session, using the internet to look further into the things Abby had discussed. The sessions often seemed to energize Martin partly because they would spend part of the time learning new things and Martin loved learning. Louisa did too, but she just wanted to be near James Henry and Martin when they were finished and would often just sit in James' room for a while when they would return from Truro and watch him sleep. Aunt Ruth usually minded him, and she was meticulous about his bedtime. He was always asleep when they got home.

Then, after time with the baby, she would either sit in the room with Martin and just try to process the session while Martin studied or, better, cuddle up to him in bed if he came to lay down.

Once they had talked a bit about the differences in ways they were raised that were due to differences in social class. This was a difficult conversation but Louisa had raised the issue herself. She had recalled to Abby how surprised she had been at first that Martin knew how to dance at their wedding reception but how later she had realized he had been raised for social niceties like ballroom dancing. She asked Martin during that session if it bothered him that she had a country accent and that she liked to wear jeans and tee shirts, since he never dressed casually. Martin had paused for a few moments and Louisa had tensed, wondering what he was going to say. But then when he started talking he told her that he loved her voice and always thought she looked nice and certainly wasn't bothered by her clothing. One of the things that drew him to her was her ability to be so casual and relaxed - he had always wanted to try that as a boy but was never allowed. He had finally gotten so used to formal clothing that he never thought to buy any other.

Abby had suggested that they take a shopping trip together and buy some more casual clothing for Martin to try out, wearing it only at home at first, and to be mindful of the way it made him feel. They had done so and Martin would sometimes wear the outfits around the surgery on Sundays. He still felt "stiff" in the clothes, he said, but at least he was trying. Louisa loved the outfits and it made it so much easier for Martin to have some time with James down on the floor. She tried to take care to compliment Martin especially and this seemed to soothe him, and she had finally learned to stop worrying about these particular differences.

In a few sessions they had talked about how early trauma experiences affect the development of the brain. Louisa had cried and cried as Martin had described some of the punishments he had endured and even taken for granted. He had convinced himself, at the time, that everyone was treated as he was. Now though, he realized a part of him had known even then that something was very wrong. Abby had also come across some recent research about early boarding school attendance being very negative for certain people. Some psychologists even had a name for it - Boarding School Syndrome. So Martin had had to contend with naturally being a sensitive boy, harsh and neglectful parents, and very early boarding school and the negative experiences he had had there. So much for one so young.

As Louisa's mind continued to drift, she pictured Margaret in her mind the last time she had seen her - at the airport. She had instinctively known very quickly upon meeting her that Margaret had not been a good mother - had guessed it from several clues from Martin before their marriage - but she had no idea of the extent of the problems! Margaret made Louisa's mother look like a saint. Louisa herself could not imagine leaving James Henry to cry himself to sleep night after night. The very thought of such a thing was repugnant to her.

But one thing Louisa knew, and that was that she and Martin both were going to have to face up to forgiving their mothers. Louisa mostly had forgiven Eleanor now, but Martin had made no start and, as far as Louisa knew, had no plans to forgive. But both of them saw Abby separately from time to time and in one of Louisa's last solo sessions, Abby had introduced the subject. She wanted to know how Louisa felt about it and had given Louisa some things to read.

Diligent about therapy material, Louisa had gotten the reading done quickly, but had become quite uncomfortable about the subject. On Abby's suggestion, she had not discussed this with Martin yet, and had no plans to do so, as both knew that Martin had more work to do before he would even consider such a thing. But Louisa felt now that, for the sake of the three of them - Martin, herself, and James - as individuals, and for their marriage, she and Martin both needed to work on forgiveness. Otherwise, she feared that wounds that needed to heal would fester and come back to haunt them again and again. She certainly didn't _feel_ like forgiving Margaret. But she knew that she wanted to move in that direction because she had learned enough by now to know that forgiveness would set her, Louisa, free. It would truly set Martin free too. We are called to forgive because it is best for us, not to let the other person "off the hook," as one of the books had said.

But she certainly didn't know how to go about it at this point. She chewed on her lip. This was going to be one of those things that took a while. Abby was going to have to help her on this issue step by step. She sometimes felt so angry with Margaret and Christopher Ellingham that she would almost call it hate. Most often she felt this after she and Martin would have a disagreement. Just to watch Martin as he struggled with an intimate relationship was so difficult when she knew that, had he had other parents, his life's trajectory would likely have been so different.

But then she thought of something she always tried to remember - had Martin had different parents, she would likely never have met him. They would have never had the pain, but not the joys of their relationship either. There would have been no James Henry. How odd life was. Often out of the hardest, harshest parts, came some of the greatest gifts.


	27. Chapter 27

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and is for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended. A Thousand Years belongs to Christina Perri. Again, no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks for the reviews. Keep 'em coming! **

Chapter 27

After supper, Martin and Louisa played with James Henry a bit before it was time for his bath. Usually they took turns bathing their son, as both enjoyed the time with him but there was not room for all three of them in the tiny room. Tonight Louisa did the bathing while Martin stood just outside the room and observed, smiling to himself when his cheeky man would splash Mum.

After James finally fell asleep, Louisa came downstairs to where Martin was sitting on the couch with the family laptop whch both he and Louisa used. Louisa stopped as she came into the room. She peered over Martin's back and saw that he was looking through her music library. "What are you doing Martin?" she asked.

Martin held up a hand to indicate he needed her to wait a moment. Then Louisa heard the opening strains of a song she loved coming from the speakers. Martin stood, held out a hand to her and said, "I believe I owe you a dance, Mrs. Ellingham."

Louisa smiled and took his hand. "With pleasure Dr. Ellingham," she said as he pulled her into position. Martin was a confident dance partner and Louisa found that she need not worry that she had not had lessons as a child. Martin led her safely and beautifully round the small room. Their heights were just right for Louisa to sing softly into Martin's ear. She started with humming and then began to sing in the middle of a verse, "...How to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid to fall, but watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. One step closer. I have died every day waiting for you, darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more...I will be brave, I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me, Every breath, every hour has come to this...one step closer...And all along I believed I would find you, Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more...darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."

When the song finished, they both stopped still and Martin looked into Louisa's eyes and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. Louisa took a deep breath and let it out. She stayed in Martin's arms where she always felt cherished. "I think we should dance more often Martin. I felt like a bride again. How did you decide to pick that particular song?" Louisa asked.

"I have noticed that you play it a lot, especially when you are in a reflective mood, and I appreciate the words. I listen, you know. I don't normally like this type of popular music but this one is soft and thoughtful. And I was hoping that you would sing the words to me. You do have a lovely singing voice you know, but I noticed you didn't sing all the words. Why is that?" Martin asked.

"I sang the ones that fit us, Martin. The ones about fear and love and bravery and taking one step closer...and a forever love," she said. "Thank you for choosing that one. Out of all of my library, that one is the one I would have chosen for tonight also. I do feel as if I have loved you a long time, and now I know I always will...and that you will love me too," she continued. This time she stroked Martin's cheek and was about to kiss him again when there was a knock at the door.

**Readers, if you like the words to the song, go to Youtube and listen and watch Sendibo's edited version of the song with Martin and Louisa. It is nothing short of fabulous!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks again to Abbybuk. **

**And to the readers, thanks for the reviews. As always, more are appreciated.**

Chapter 28

Martin opened the door and peeked out, ready to let in some injured party-goer, for he knew that some would still be having New Year's parties and drinking tonight, since it was a Friday. He stepped back and opened the door with surprise on his face and motioned for Morwenna and Al to come in.

"Heya Doc," Morwenna said with an embarrassed smile. "Too late to pop in?" she asked.

"No Morwenna. It's only half nine. We are not in bed yet. Is one of you hurt?" Martin asked. "Come through," he said, motioning to where Louisa stood.

"Um, no Doc. It's just that Morwenna and I...well...we...um...wanted to share our news with you two before it goes all round the village," Al said, holding up Morwenna's left hand. Louisa gasped and Morwenna smiled as a lovely small diamond winked in the lamplight. "Morwenna and I are getting married."

Louisa hugged Morwenna and held out her hand to look more closely at the ring. "It belonged to Al's mum," Morwenna said.

"Oh how lovely. Isn't it lovely Martin?" Louisa asked.

Martin paused for a moment and then gave a small smile. "Yes," he said quietly.

"Mine belonged to Martin's grandmother so I know how special this ring will be for you," she said to Morwenna. "The start of a new family. Congratulations to you both. Do you want to sit down?" Louisa asked.

Al looked over at Martin, who nodded toward the sofa. Martin saw Al visibly relax and they all sat down, with Martin in a chair and Al beside Morwenna and Louisa on the couch. Morwenna looked at Martin and then Louisa. She cleared her throat. "The thing is Mrs. Ellingham..."Morwenna began.

Louisa interrupted. "Morwenna, I think it is long past time for you to call me Louisa. Please," she said.

"Okay," Morwenna said. "Louisa, well, you see, the thing is, Al and I have been talking. And um...well...word gets around in the village, you know, about...things. And well..."

"Oh out with it Morwenna," Martin said, but with only a slight touch of his old impatience in his voice. "How can we help you? It must be important or I'm sure you wouldn't have come here on a Friday night."

"Yes, Morwenna, what is wrong?" Louisa said.

"Well, Louiser," Al said. "Nothing is wrong really. It's just that...well...like Morwenna said, we have been talking and we...we look up to you both. We know from being around you that things haven't always been easy. Pauline told me some things about your parents, Doc, and, well, Dad's always kind of worried over you Louisa. And well, the thing is...we have too many friends already who have gotten married and are already having problems and we wanted to know if you would be willing to tell us how you've done it. How have you made things work when it seemed like they were so wrong?"

"Now Doc, don't growl at us. We don't want to be nosy, but we really do look up to you and we can see that you have a strong marriage now. We'd be really grateful if you'd give us some advice. We want to start out right. And we both have...well you know...things of our own," Morwenna said. "Al's mum dying when he was young and his dad is...well, you know. And then there's me, living just with Grandpa for so long. How do we know we will be right for each other? We think so now, but so did our friends, and look what has happened to so many of them. I just had one of my best friends call me today and say that her husband left her last night. He says he's not coming back. I didn't even get to tell her my news. She was so upset."

"Um, well, not what you want to hear on the day you've gotten engaged, I suppose," Louisa said with a grimace. "I'll be glad to share what I can with you."

A silence fell in the room. Louisa bit her lip and felt scared, wondering what in the world Martin would say in response to such a request. He was so introverted and Morwenna did work for him. Still, this was a small village, and lines between work and friendships were often blurred. It made for some tricky relationships.

Martin practiced his mindfulness. He felt afraid of losing respect in front of his receptionist, afraid of revealing things about himself that he only wanted Louisa to know. His body was tense. Then he thought of something - someone was actually coming to him - Martin Ellingham - for relationship advice. That must say something. Maybe he had really changed and gotten better at being married if these two young adults could see it. He hadn't realized it until just this moment, but it made him feel proud of himself that he had come so far that someone other than Louisa could benefit. He felt his body relax a bit. So, nervous as it made him, he took a deep breath and then let it out, looked at Morwenna and Al both very seriously and said, "You are both showing a lot of intelligence to seek out help before jumping into a marriage. I will not be able to offer all that Louisa will, but I will listen and help too, if I can."

Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief and Louisa jumped up. "Anyone want some tea and we can talk for a few minutes now?" she asked.

Al and Morwenna both nodded, Martin asked for water and Louisa began preparing things in the kitchen. "Would you prefer to stay here or to sit at the table?" Martin asked.

"Here's fine Doc, if that's okay with you Morwenna?" Al asked.

"Sure, fine. Hey Doc, did you see this coming?" Morwenna asked.

"Well yes, Morwenna, as a matter of fact I told Louisa last night that I thought the new year might hold a wedding for you and Al," Martin said.

"Yeah well, now you know that, as usual, you were right," Morwenna smiled and looked up at Al.

Louisa came and brought in the drinks. "I feel like we should open some champagne but we were having cider last night and didn't even buy any," she said.

"That's all right, Louisa," Morwenna said. Al came over first thing this morning with a big bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne. Said he wanted to start the new year off right, got down on one knee and proposed, right there in the kitchen," Morwenna said.

"Yeah, maybe not the most romantic thing, but I couldn't wait any more. Too excited," Al said.

"But we only had one small glass of champagne Doc," Morwenna said teasingly.

"That's lovely," Louisa said. "So, did you have something particular that you wanted to ask us?"

"And it must go on record that anything we say can go no further, Morwenna," Martin said. "I am most serious. You and Al will have to treat this like patient confidentiality. I do not want my laundry aired all over this village any more than it already has been. Do you understand?" Martin asked in his stern professional voice and with deep frown lines showing on his face.

"Yes Doc, of course. We are coming to you. We certainly don't want anyone knowing what either of us says either. Our friends would make fun of us. They just think you fall in love, get married and that is that. We have seen though.," Morwenna said and gave a little shudder.

"Well, now that is sorted, how can we help?" Louisa asked more gently.

"One thing I want to know is, do you think we should go for some counseling before we marry, just to get another opinion? Everyone in the village knows that you two go, and we want to know what it is like," Morwenna said.

"Martin, do you want to answer, or shall I?" Louisa asked him.


	29. Chapter 29

**Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks for reviewing. Thank you abbybuk.**

Chapter 29

Martin cleared his throat. "I think you should start, Louisa," he said.

Louisa paused. "Well, I think that the idea of going to see a counselor before you marry is a good one. It would probably be helpful for everyone. Some people talk to their vicar, I know. Some of them are quite good but not all are qualified. Abby, the lady we see in Truro, is very good. But I have to say straight away that I don't think that you or Al would need to see her quite as often as Martin and I have. We have had a lot of what Abby calls "baggage", probably more than most, and I don't see that either of you do," Louisa said. "Although I guess no one really knows what goes on in someone else's relationship do they?"

"No, I don't think so. But what do you do there that would help us?" Morwenna asked.

Louisa picked up the thread of the conversation again. "Well Morwenna, one of the things we have spent a good deal of time on is called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. You can find information about it on the internet. It just helps you to understand yourself and the way you tend to make decisions and interact with others, your _preferred_ ways of interacting, and then you can understand the same information about your partner too. It has really helped me understand why I do some of the things I do and why Martin sometimes does the opposite. And how, even though we may come to understand something in different ways, we can come up with compromises."

"I think I have heard that name before but don't know anything about it," Morwenna said.

"You likely _have_ heard of it Morwenna if you have done reading in some of my magazines that come into the surgery. It is a useful tool for many things. It can help one determine good career choices for instance, and it can definitely help to answer questions about loved ones' behavior that seem to make absolutely no sense," Martin said.

"Yes and it helps you to see that all types of personalities bring gifts to the world; certain types are not better than others, just different," Louisa said. "For instance, probably the most obvious difference between Martin and I is that he is introverted and I am extraverted. But in the case of the MBTI, it doesn't just mean that Martin is quiet and I am more talkative which is what most people tend to think. It is more about how we work things out, solve problems - you know. I usually like to think for a brief time, or not at all, and then talk things out. Martin takes a long time to think, and tries to work things out in his head. Knowing that about each other is very helpful. It has helped me to learn to try very hard to give Martin time to think about things and to not get angry because he doesn't want to talk at the very moment I do," Louisa said.

"I agree," Martin said. "And I have learned that sometimes Louisa just wants to work out a decision for herself by talking - she isn't always asking for advice. Also, as a doctor I am used to making decisions on my own, inside of my head, after taking in all of the relevant information. Of course I have known for years that I was very introverted, but going through all of these things with the therapist has helped me, not only with Louisa, but with the patients too. Chris Parsons comes over with complaints much less than he used to because I have learned that whenever I can, I need to let the extraverts say what they need to say and then explain that I need quiet while I am examining them. This makes me more relaxed as well, since I can use my preferences to my advantage and that helps me be a better husband and better doctor."

"So, how do you know your type?" Al asked.

"There is a questionnaire that you complete at your own pace. When you finish it is 'scored' and you are shown your type and a description of the type. As Louisa said, neither is better than another but it is certainly helpful to know your type. I also found it helpful to know where I was on the continuum," Martin said.

"You lost me Doc," Morwenna said.

"Let me explain it like this," Martin said. "If you have a line and extraversion is at one end and introversion is at the other end, once you answer the questionnaire, you will fall somewhere on that line, or continuum as it is sometimes called. I, of course, am very introverted so I fall almost completely over to one side of the line. Louisa is extraverted, but introverted too at times so she does not fall completely at the other end of the line. She is a little way toward the center. All of this is helpful to know. Helps to cut down on arguments," Martin finished.

"Okay, I think I get that. But if it is online, couldn't we just do the questionnaire there?" Al asked.

"Yes Al, you could. But the benefit of the therapist is that he or she is outside of your relationship and can really help you to see so many more things to help you than you would probably ever think of on your own," Louisa said.

Morwenna opened her bag and got out a pencil and pad of paper. "Okay, what did you call it again? I want to write it down," she said.

"Just remember MBTI, Morwenna. Any therapist worth the money will know it," Martin said with a touch of impatience.

"Okay Doc. Got it. Anything else that you do there?" she asked, looking at Louisa expectantly.

Louisa looked at Martin and then back at Morwenna. "Well, another thing we learned about is mindfulness. How being aware of your thoughts, emotions and body sensations can be keys to change." Louisa said.

"Okay - not sure I know what that means," Morwenna said.

"Me neither," said Al.

Martin began to speak. "For instance, it is critical for me to pay attention to how my body feels in order to know my emotions." He paused for a moment and looked at Louisa. This was getting awfully close to being too much for him. He began to feel what he now recognized as fear. He stared into the distance and began to speak. "My parents taught...well, they did a lot of things they shouldn't have with me when I was very young. It is very difficult for me to show emotion as I'm sure you both have noticed. That is not always because I don't want to show it, but because I often have no...am not sure what I am feeling. Paying attention to my body gives me clues as to what I am feeling, helping me to act more appropriately."

He continued after a slight pause. "Of course, the ability to show little or no emotion can be of great help to a doctor. At times, someone must remain calm and fortunately I am able to put my own emotions aside when a crisis arises, do what needs doing, and then examine the emotions later. Showing fear to an already fearful patient is not helpful, but neither is being afraid and acting angry because you don't know or want to admit that you are afraid," he finished.

Morwenna looked at Al and raised her eyebrows. Then she turned to Martin. "So, Doc are you saying..." Morwenna began to ask.

Al interrupted her. "Think I've gotcha Doc," he said, staring at Morwenna to stop her from asking Martin if he was afraid every time he acted angry. Al knew _that_ much about how Morwenna thought already. And the Doc seemed rattled enough.

Louisa looked at her watch. She was concerned that this would be overwhelming to Martin. She knew that a conversation like this would be extremely difficult for him. "Oh my goodness," she said. "I hate to rush you two, but Martin and I need to get to bed soon. James Henry is up early and you and Martin have appointments tomorrow too," she reminded Morwenna.

"Yes, I guess we had better get going," Morwenna said reluctantly.

"Congratulations again you two," Louisa said as they walked to the door.

"Yes, congratulations," Martin said.

"Thanks Doc. Thanks Louiser," Al said.

"Morwenna, I will see you at the regular time in the morning, yes?" Martin stated more than asked.

"Yeah Doc. Night." Morwenna said.

"Morwenna," Louisa whispered just before the door closed, "you and I can talk more about this later, okay?"

"Yeah sure Louisa. Thanks."

**All of you counselors out there, please comment. I tried to do justice to the MBTI, but I am not a trained therapist. Readers, if you've not ever used it, the MBTI is truly a great tool. I highly recommend it. And just for fun, anyone want to guess at M or L's type?**


End file.
